Illusion

It actually really works,

when you start to tell yourself everyday that you're happier
and you're really happier.

I think a lot when I am alone.
I start to reminisce
I start to see flashes of the memories

Times
when you used to call me everyday while I waited for you
when you told me you actually meant it when you said 'I love you'
when I start to say 'I love you'
when I cried and cried so much
when waiting for hours for a few minutes call was the peak of my every each day
when I made it through 4 months waiting for you
when the day of your arrival finally came
when we talked about plans after you're back
when I finally see you, on that huge ship, looking the same, waving at me
when I could finally touch you
and all those times, now that I think back, was it really worth it? Were you worth it? Worth all my time and sacrifices and my tears? Worth all the heartaching now? Would I have gone through all these if I were to be able to choose again? I guess I would've done the same. Although the outcome now isn't what I hoped for. It's the journey that counts.

You were a jerk. The biggest one. But I loved you.

And also when memories flashes, I recall the bad times too.
Times
when you got drunk and I had to clear your mess
when I got sick and you didn't bother to look after me
when you chose casino over me
when you chose friends over me
when you didn't think about me before doing something
when you lied and lied and lied again
when you said some really hurtful words a person would never say
when you told my friend days after we broke up that you no longer like me
when you really, really. really didn't bother anymore.
when you stopped caring, stopped loving, stopped acting like the person I fell in love with

And today, I recalled all these and realized,
actually the break up wasn't a bad decision afterall. And probably the wisest choice I ever made in this relationship.
I admit I do regret at times. But would things be better, would you change for me if I stick around?
No you wouldn't. Whether if it's your ex that destroyed your confidence in love, or your ego that doesn't allow you to change, whichever reasons provided, we wouldn't be better.

The mourning period sucks. It always do. But after it, things become so clear, and all is better. I feel better now, I really do understand when my close friends said, "He's a jerk. You deserve better" meant. And I am happier.

I still think about him. But I really am happier now.

And I packed all the stuff we had together, the brochures from our bkk trip, the fake flowers you prepared in the bathtub, the birthday present you got for me, and presents I got for you but never had the chance to give it to you, all those stuff. Packed them all and ready to mail it out. Oh and the sheesha set you gave me. I am gonna throw that away. To you, these may be things that are 'sentimental' but to me, they're rubbish now.

Yes, I lost faith in love. The next time I say, 'I love you'
I wouldn't mean it.