Not even friends

I am a person that despise people that loves giving another person false hope when he/she clearly knows that it's never gonna work out. And there are many such people.

I hate it when I am dating a person and he suddenly loses feelings for me but dare not man up, he just rather mia. Isn't that low?

Give me a fullstop.
This, '.'
Not, '..........'

Which is why of the many boyfriends or flings I had, mostly didn't stay as friends. Cause I love a clean cut. I would rather lose a friend. I mean come on, if I didn't die when things ended, I sure wouldn't die losing him as a friend. Some may say this is cruel. But if I don't start doing cruel things, he's gonna do it upon me, so why not I start the ball rolling?

And I know myself. I get over boys as quick as I blink. It's just the matter of how long the next guy comes. I just need to divert my attention.

In my entire life, I only sincerely gave it all and love 3 guys.
One was my first love when I was 16. Then it was L, mid 16 and again at 19 (ya same guy wtf), and the third, is now.

I wouldn't say I stopped loving him, I would say love didn't want me to continue loving him.

I don't know if anyone ever get this feeling, but like you get nauseous and all uncomfortable when you see this person, or rather the person you once had so much with.
That day I saw him, I felt so. I don't know how to describe it. It's like I miss this person but at the same time, I want to fly kick him and make sure he is as far from me as possible. It was so uncomfortable having him near me. It felt, disgusting.

They say there is a thin margin across love and hate. Hate is a really strong word and I really don't wish to use it. But I kinda hate him. Or is it a lovehate relationship.

So many fishes in the sea right? But what if I just want that very fish? Anyone ever thought of that for me?

Sometimes I feel the anxiety in me. Like I am broken. I can't be alone. I dwell myself in alcohol. Cause I realized I am actually really smiling when I am drunk. Maybe reality was too hard for me to face thus I would rather be drunk.

I know I will get over this. Like come on, 1 year from now, would all these even matter? I would just look back and laugh at myself.

In the mean time, I know I got to do this. Even it means fighting it alone.