It's been a while

i don't know what to write
or perhaps I lost the touch of my emotions
but that's not right
because i am typing words out right now
i feel emotions
it's like I taste these emotions on the tip of my tongue but i can't exactly feel it
maybe i lost the touch of feelings
l o s t
am i?
am i lost?

i allow myself to be what i want to be
this state i am at right now
and hi
i am here
it's been long
i wished you didn't exist in my life
you as in not anyone
you as in this tiny person i built inside me over the years
she comes out twice or thrice a year
and i hate her
she reads poetry and even tries to write them
she tries
she cries
i hate her
i am sorry for hating you tiny me
it's still me
i just don't like it
stop getting into my head my heart my eyes my tears
i don't need you in my life
not ever

Confession

I want to kill myself

all of the time

Consolation

You keep thinking what's best for you and you stick to it
Knowing that's not the best but it's for the best
You suck it up and swallow whatever lies ahead for you
Even though it suffocates
But with each step you learn how to accept it
Reality slaps you in the face and it's about time it should
You don't have what it takes to handle what lies in your hands
But you take it accept it endure it because that's for the best
From time to time, it's gonna eat you up
But that's okay
Because at the end of each page, there will always be paper cuts
Paper cuts you know you can handle
It doesn't hurt
It wouldn't hurt
Because what hurts wouldn't make who you are now

?

Does he love you?
Does he still think of you?
Does he miss you?
Does he only talk to you because he knows you will always be there for him?
Does he need you?
Does he only look for you in the wee hours?
Does he still look at you the way you look at him?
Does he talk to you about your feelings?
Does he feel what you feel?
If so, why are you still here for him?

Suicide notes

"There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad." 
- Kurt Cobain

"I feel certain that I'm going mad again. I feel we can't go thru another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices."
- Virginia Woolf

"The act of taking my own life is not something I am doing without a lot of thought. I don't believe that people should take their own lives without deep and thoughtful reflection over a considerable period of time. I do believe strongly, however, that the right to do so is one of the most fundamental rights that anyone in a free society should have. For me much of the world makes no sense, but my feelings about what I am doing ring loud and clear to an inner ear and a place where there is no self, only calm. Love always, Wendy"
- Wendy O. Williams

"The future is just old age and illness and pain.... I must have peace and this is the only way."
- James Whale

"When I am dead, and over me bright April Shakes out her rain drenched hair, Tho you should lean above me broken hearted, I shall not care. For I shall have peace. As leafey trees are peaceful When rain bends down the bough. And I shall be more silent and cold hearted Than you are now."
- Sara Teasdale

"La tristesse durera toujours."  Translation: "The sadness will last forever."
 - Vincent van Gogh

And so I leave this world, where the heart must either break or turn to lead
- Nicolas-Sebastien Chamfort, French writer, d. 1794

“It will go away… The stuff in your head. Little by little.”
- Michael Thomas Ford

“I am a warrior,
I have fought against myself for far too long”

-	Emily O’Toole

^^^^^ Above bascially sums up my depression, anxiety, insanity, suicidal thoughts
- Rina Pang Shi Lin

我独自走在街上看着天空找不到答案

Talked to a random friend recently and I told him about my future plans.

My future includes, when I'm financially able to support myself and my parents, and I'm at the age whereby I want a kid, I'm gonna buy sperms from a sperm bank.

Reasonings due to :

• Among the years, I've met good and bad men. Bad ones, no future explanation needed. Good ones, they only turned into a stalker once I decided to reject them
• In my own opinion, 99% of men, either they cheat and still be with you, or they leave.
• My future, doesn't involve in me depending on anyone, (yes of course, if I meet some rich fuck and can support my family financially, I'll marry him, but it's for my family. Not for me.).
• Bottom line, I can do anything in the world for my parents. 
• But I have my morals, only under special circumstances, then I'll lead to the 'rich marriage' solution.
• Yes I admit, I have trust issues towards men. They all leave, eventually, sooner or later.
• I'm only 23, but right now, I'm only focusing on work and school and of course my parents. But I lost hope for love or any kind of relationship. I've been alone for far too long. I've been too independent to ever need someone to lean on to. Sometimes I feel like a burden when I have to depend on someone. (I'm not trying to self praise myself, but close friends know that, I'm better being alone). 
• Working as a part time job currently, I'm working events & nightlife, to earn a 'back up' savings till I graduate and find a decent job. And working events, I get to meet all kinds of people. Rich ones poor ones. I could easily manipulate any rich ones and I can quit degree and just support my family. But thats not for now, or for me in particular. Like I mentioned, my future doesn't involve me depending on anyone. It's all me. 

And after saying all these to a friend, his reply was "This is so sad, you're so sad." 

Happiness is important, but it isn't to me. 

My parent's happiness and leading a comfortable life is more of my priority. I've been alone, unhappy, sad, independent for way too long. I don't need to be happy. I just want them to be happy. That's all. 

And this is why...why I'm single for the past 7 years. 

Love Of My Life

Few days back, I tried my hardest, probably the hardest ever, to cry.
I wanted to cry so bad. I wanted to let it out, knowing the only way to make me feel better is to cry it all out. But I couldn't.

Everyone has that one special person that is the "Love of my life". And he's mine.
He seems to be making his choice of his Ms Right, making her your Mrs Right.
I wish you all my best. The very best. But I can't help to be sad about it.
I am still waiting for the news to hit me. It hasn't. And the day will arrive soon.