It's been a while

i don't know what to write
or perhaps I lost the touch of my emotions
but that's not right
because i am typing words out right now
i feel emotions
it's like I taste these emotions on the tip of my tongue but i can't exactly feel it
maybe i lost the touch of feelings
l o s t
am i?
am i lost?

i allow myself to be what i want to be
this state i am at right now
and hi
i am here
it's been long
i wished you didn't exist in my life
you as in not anyone
you as in this tiny person i built inside me over the years
she comes out twice or thrice a year
and i hate her
she reads poetry and even tries to write them
she tries
she cries
i hate her
i am sorry for hating you tiny me
it's still me
i just don't like it
stop getting into my head my heart my eyes my tears
i don't need you in my life
not ever

Confession

I want to kill myself

all of the time

Consolation

You keep thinking what's best for you and you stick to it
Knowing that's not the best but it's for the best
You suck it up and swallow whatever lies ahead for you
Even though it suffocates
But with each step you learn how to accept it
Reality slaps you in the face and it's about time it should
You don't have what it takes to handle what lies in your hands
But you take it accept it endure it because that's for the best
From time to time, it's gonna eat you up
But that's okay
Because at the end of each page, there will always be paper cuts
Paper cuts you know you can handle
It doesn't hurt
It wouldn't hurt
Because what hurts wouldn't make who you are now

?

Does he love you?
Does he still think of you?
Does he miss you?
Does he only talk to you because he knows you will always be there for him?
Does he need you?
Does he only look for you in the wee hours?
Does he still look at you the way you look at him?
Does he talk to you about your feelings?
Does he feel what you feel?
If so, why are you still here for him?

Suicide notes

"There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad." 
- Kurt Cobain

"I feel certain that I'm going mad again. I feel we can't go thru another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices."
- Virginia Woolf

"The act of taking my own life is not something I am doing without a lot of thought. I don't believe that people should take their own lives without deep and thoughtful reflection over a considerable period of time. I do believe strongly, however, that the right to do so is one of the most fundamental rights that anyone in a free society should have. For me much of the world makes no sense, but my feelings about what I am doing ring loud and clear to an inner ear and a place where there is no self, only calm. Love always, Wendy"
- Wendy O. Williams

"The future is just old age and illness and pain.... I must have peace and this is the only way."
- James Whale

"When I am dead, and over me bright April Shakes out her rain drenched hair, Tho you should lean above me broken hearted, I shall not care. For I shall have peace. As leafey trees are peaceful When rain bends down the bough. And I shall be more silent and cold hearted Than you are now."
- Sara Teasdale

"La tristesse durera toujours."  Translation: "The sadness will last forever."
 - Vincent van Gogh

And so I leave this world, where the heart must either break or turn to lead
- Nicolas-Sebastien Chamfort, French writer, d. 1794

“It will go away… The stuff in your head. Little by little.”
- Michael Thomas Ford

“I am a warrior,
I have fought against myself for far too long”

-	Emily O’Toole

^^^^^ Above bascially sums up my depression, anxiety, insanity, suicidal thoughts
- Rina Pang Shi Lin

我独自走在街上看着天空找不到答案

Talked to a random friend recently and I told him about my future plans.

My future includes, when I'm financially able to support myself and my parents, and I'm at the age whereby I want a kid, I'm gonna buy sperms from a sperm bank.

Reasonings due to :

• Among the years, I've met good and bad men. Bad ones, no future explanation needed. Good ones, they only turned into a stalker once I decided to reject them
• In my own opinion, 99% of men, either they cheat and still be with you, or they leave.
• My future, doesn't involve in me depending on anyone, (yes of course, if I meet some rich fuck and can support my family financially, I'll marry him, but it's for my family. Not for me.).
• Bottom line, I can do anything in the world for my parents. 
• But I have my morals, only under special circumstances, then I'll lead to the 'rich marriage' solution.
• Yes I admit, I have trust issues towards men. They all leave, eventually, sooner or later.
• I'm only 23, but right now, I'm only focusing on work and school and of course my parents. But I lost hope for love or any kind of relationship. I've been alone for far too long. I've been too independent to ever need someone to lean on to. Sometimes I feel like a burden when I have to depend on someone. (I'm not trying to self praise myself, but close friends know that, I'm better being alone). 
• Working as a part time job currently, I'm working events & nightlife, to earn a 'back up' savings till I graduate and find a decent job. And working events, I get to meet all kinds of people. Rich ones poor ones. I could easily manipulate any rich ones and I can quit degree and just support my family. But thats not for now, or for me in particular. Like I mentioned, my future doesn't involve me depending on anyone. It's all me. 

And after saying all these to a friend, his reply was "This is so sad, you're so sad." 

Happiness is important, but it isn't to me. 

My parent's happiness and leading a comfortable life is more of my priority. I've been alone, unhappy, sad, independent for way too long. I don't need to be happy. I just want them to be happy. That's all. 

And this is why...why I'm single for the past 7 years. 

Love Of My Life

Few days back, I tried my hardest, probably the hardest ever, to cry.
I wanted to cry so bad. I wanted to let it out, knowing the only way to make me feel better is to cry it all out. But I couldn't.

Everyone has that one special person that is the "Love of my life". And he's mine.
He seems to be making his choice of his Ms Right, making her your Mrs Right.
I wish you all my best. The very best. But I can't help to be sad about it.
I am still waiting for the news to hit me. It hasn't. And the day will arrive soon.

Why do the lonely people stare up to the sky?

Empty

Very empty. For the first time, this space doesn't give me comfort anymore. The only friend of mine that makes me happy...is different. She stopped giving me comfort, or even a reason to smile at the thought of her. I miss you so much my happy pill. I miss you but I feel like there is nothing I could do about us.

Phobia

I am afraid. I am terrified. I am scared.
Of love. Of anything that relates to getting close with someone.
I am so scared. Of anything. Of everyone.

Fate

I don't know why I am still trying. I don't know how many times have I mentioned about you in this space. I don't know what keeps me going on. I don't know why I managed to give up on you so many times and yet always come back running into your arms because somehow I still believe in you in us in fate in love. I don't know what is wrong with you. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with you. It is like you cannot seem to let me be alone with myself. I love you, I give up, I miss you, I mourn over giving up on you, I stopped missing you, I stopped thinking of you. And you just had to come stir with my feelings again. You say you love me but that is not the way you love someone. I don't think I am demanding at all, with the least of things I wish we could do together. I am so sick I am so tired of all your words, your mother fucking words, all of them are just words, all fucking words, all useless words. Mother fucker, can't you tell that I fucking love you and despite knowing you soon enough will break my heart again but I still handed you my heart wanting to give it a try again. But fucker, seriously, fuck you. Fuck your love.

Define this

I can't seem to find that fire in love anymore. What is love? I've lost all interest in boys, love, or relationships in general. What is this? I'm not a person to give up easily. But I'm so tired. I've been single for 5 years and in these years, I've met 4 different person. They taught me so many ways on how not to trust the next person. Good and bad times but bad times seems to strike more.

Then I thought about you, F. I told myself, I told people around me that I don't love you anymore. But is it the case? I've convinced them and now I'm left with myself to convince. Is it that love is gone or that there are too many variables that point me to the pathway which love no longer exists between us. I'm left with thoughts of you not trying to make the best out of us. You didn't try. You didn't fight. You didn't make me feel worthwhile. You didn't love me. You think you love me. But that's not what love is. You didn't. I still ponder if what you said is true. Did you really cry because I left you? Did you? It's not that I don't believe in you. You made me not to. You didn't try to make me believe in you. I have too many doubts. Love love love, what is it for? Absolute nothing.

Done

You're the one person that taught me the clear definition of what loving someone shouldn't be like. The Nots of love.

You showed me all the reasons a person that speaks of love so fondly shouldn't do. Love isnt all words. It's never just the words. Your words did work on me. It did kept me going for almost a year, with just your words. Thats just me being blinded by love. By your so called love. And it led to my so called faith.

I'm not blaming you. Actually, I'm thanking you. Though I didn't receive the kind of love you said or the kind that I yearn for. I'm happy that I met you. For, you did make me really happy. It also showed me all the clear definitions of love and what not to fall for the next time. I thank you. Sincerely.

I'm sorry. But I need to grow out of you.

I am sorry for leaving you yet so easily pulled back by your "I miss you(s)"
I am sorry for you're the only reason I've been smiling and crying about for the past one year
I am sorry for doubting you, as much as I want to believe your words
I am sorry for "love" isn't enough
I am sorry for coming up with excuses and yet coming up with facts to diminish any hopes for you
I am sorry for thinking "fate" still exists in us
I am sorry for singing praises about you to people yet secretly knows the faults in us


I am sorry for how I acted.
I am sorry for inventing a you that was impossible to let go. You told me once that you loved me, and that when you were sad, all you wanted was me.
I’m sorry that those things ever stopped being true.
I’m sorry that I still remember that you said them.
I am sorry that I fell in love with a version of you that I invented.
I am sorry that I will never again know you, me, or us.

And most of all, I cannot apologize enough that I am sorry that I love you.

16th Sept'13 / 03:55am

Inner Self

Most of the time, the truth hurts. I know the truth, and most people do. But most tend to hide it, or choose not to know. There is a need for the truth to be told, but there is also a need to keep calm when the truth is out. Some things happen for a reason. One can choose to believe it's reasoning, or one can choose to find excuses for it. I am generally not a emotional person. I don't go to sea side to get emotional, or spam Taylor Swift break up remedies. But I do feel. I just choose not to feel the extreme end. I know about the box, and about the box within the box, and within, till the last box. I know it all. I just don't think about it. Sometimes the way to continue living life, it is to live for the moment and be happy. The box within the boxes might hurt. But one could choose to hold on to the first box that makes one happy. Most of the time, I know the rights and wrong, but I want the first box so I am grabbing onto it.

Precious 7

My precious 7

The closest people I hold closely to my heart right now and I would like to dedicate this post to them, and no matter where life bring us to, I would like to remember this bond right now and one day I'm gonna look back at this post and smile.

Starting with who I know the longest or got close the longest...




Erica aka Wei Na aka Choo aka Nana


Probably the only person I look back during 15y/o and had so much with. We spent so much time together. I remember skipping school together, tonning nights, spending every weekends at your place, you paying for my expenses when I'm broke, me taking you in when you had problems, meeting each others' very first few boyfriends, and talking about our so called 'puppy love' then. And how your family made such an impact to me and how much they still mean to me now. My only God mother, your mum. My only God brother, your brother. How much warmth your family gave me. My first best friend, Erica.


Hellven aka Jeremy Chua W.D aka part time bf


We probably watched all the movies that came out in year 2008-2010. Attending private O's together. I'll always remember how after 3 months in our school (TYLC) and no one, even the form teacher believe that we're just good friends. Probably because you're the only male best friend that I can act all lovey dovey with, holding hands, hugging, kissing cheeks, taking photos together. Although we can't hang out as often as compared then but I love how we will never drift apart or get awkward no matter how much time apart. Ai ni. Please love me the same when you become a superstar.


Felicia aka Veopoo


Another best friend that I got to know during private O's. You're like the....only female friend I am most proud of. Athletic, chef, pretty yet tomboyish, spontaneous, talented. Also another friend I'll never get awkward with. We hardly even see each other anymore but we do text once in a while, and every each time when you or me needed help or a friend to talk to, we managed to cheer each other up. Muack.


Yvonne aka Von


The most protective best friend EVER. I mean it man. She doesn't care if I'm happy, she's happy. If she knows the guy is gonna hurt me, she's gonna do everything she can to prevent it from happening. Case proven. It can get frustrating sometimes because there's one guy that she has been stopping since 1 year ago and I can get a bit upset but I do understand it's for my own good. She protects me in ways like how parents protect their newborn baby, yeah imagine that. She is also the only friend my dad talks to (my dad is a cold blooded father lol), which makes it really special..plus her hands are filled with tattoos and yet my dad still started the topic first. Also, Von is someone that is able to make me feel better whenever I have problems, just the sight of her makes me feel better.


Wee Kiat aka Choo's Kor, Kor Kor


My Kor Kor!! Always wanted an elder brother since young and he's the closet I get. Though your memory is really bad but you do dote on me like a little sister. I love acting cute with you, because to me is like sa jiao to a real brother. You're like the only person I can throw ridiculous tantrum at and yet never leaving me. Thank you for always being here. Although now you got gf, you forget your mei mei alr :( see this and feel guilty hor!


Mika aka Yichelle aka my qin ai de


Too many ups and down, too many. Huge arguments, quarrels...but never thought that such misunderstandings could turn to today. We're so much closer now and knowing how true friends are hard to come by now, we hold each other closer. Thank you for being here, for doing things for me not many could. Thank you for being with me when I needed someone.


Jeline Chia aka teh princess


It's irony how we know each other since secondary school, more than 9 years ago but only gotten closer 3 months ago. Probably because we started to care more about each other, and talk more, and I start to understand you more. I realized points in you that I didn't know of in the past years and am happy I did. The more you teh, the more lovable you're ^.^


All 7 of you, I love you all very much. Will do my very best for each of you guys if you all ever need help. I know it and you know it. Zhen de ai ni men!

Afraid

Letters You Never Got

i.
I don’t understand why
                                                or where
                                                                or how
you’ve gone, but you have. There’s no
X marks the spot in the map in my soul;
I can’t find you. The GPS won’t work. I’m
a loss without you. Come back. I’m scared
and frightened and alone, stumbling down
alleys blind drunk 
in the hope
I’ll bump
into you. 
(but I know I won’t)
I can hope.

ii.

It’s hard not to miss you
when every atom
of every element
breathes your existence,
when every word
screams out and begs
to be fed
into your ears
again.

iii.

I fucking hate you.
How 
the
fuck
could
you
just
go
like
that
after
everything?
I fucking hate you.

iv.

How can love and hate be so closely
linked together, like two best friends
hugging and laughing - laughing at 
who? Me? You? Me. I hate you. I love

you. They’re both the same thing; I
wish you were here so I could slap you,
or kiss you. But neither love nor hate
matter because you are not coming back.

v.

A man who served me at Sainsbury’s today was wearing
your eyes. He must have thought I was mental - staring
at them like they didn’t exist. Oh, the surprise - you finally

decide to turn up, but scatter yourself in everyone - I see
your nose on a woman that looks like a man, I see your chin
in the spaces in between kisses of couples which doesn’t

make sense, but when did you ever? I don’t like seeing you
around here, everywhere. I was trying hard to forget but I
guess that you’re just not going to make it that easy for me.

vi.

Craving, growling, empty soul
rumbling
like an oncoming storm
I need you
back
I am starving for you
to love me again
I can’t stop
loving you and I know
you’re the only one
who can end all this anorexic pain.

vii.

Drowning in
year old
depression, stale
as my heart,
growing mould
in the cold
moss of my
soul. 
(thanks to you)

viii.

I fed myself a new person
today, an un-you real human;
stuffed myself until I was

blue in the face, bursting at
the seams of my chest, belly, -
like it was Christmas and they

were overcooked turkey. Then,
after, I ran to bathroom, stuck 
my fingers down my throat and

purged myself. Threw them up 
into the sink as a mess. I guess I’d 
sort of hoped you’d come out as well

but you didn’t. You’d glued yourself 
to my chest like a limpet, scarred 
yourself into my head. Get out.

ix.

If I write 
about you 
anymore

I think
I might

go even more insane,
but I can’t shake
your face
from my mind
from my heart

and I know I can’t
and shan’t ever
be able to do so. 
(no matter how much I want to)

x.

I don’t understand why
                                                or where
                                                                or how
you went, but you have. There’s no
X marks the spot in the map in my soul;
I can’t find you. The GPS won’t work. But
I think I just might be okay without you. 
Although,
that doesn’t stop me
stumbling down
alleys blind drunk 
in the hope
I might 
(just might)
 bump
into you. 
(but I know I won’t)
I can hope. 

The second time

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to feel so relieved. When you get your heart broken for the first time, you can’t imagine loving someone else again or having someone else love you. You worry about your ex finding love before you do, you worry about being damaged goods. And then it happens. Someone else loves you and you can sleep well at night.

The second time you fall in love with someone, it’s going to feel different. The first time felt like a dream almost. You were untouched, untainted by anyone. You accepted love with wide open arms and desperation. “Love me, love me, love me!” So you did. And then it fell apart and left you shocked to the core. You realized that people could be cruel and break your heart. You realized that people could stop meaning the sweet things they said to you just yesterday. So when you go into it again, you’re going to keep in mind everything that you’ve learned. You’re going to say, “Love me, love me, love me…until you don’t. In which case, I would like some advance warning. Thanks!”

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to compare it to your first love. That’s okay. That’s natural. You’re going to be studying the new love with judgement and wariness. “My ex never liked broccoli. Why the hell does this one eat so much broccoli?!” Discovering that you have the ability to love multiple people who are different and feel different is initially very jarring. Loving an unfamiliar body will leave you disoriented and in dire need of a map. That’s okay too. That’s to be expected. Just ask the new love for directions.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to suffer from a bout of amnesia. You’re going to poke and prod at your lover’s body and be like, “Wait, how do I do this again? How do I love you? I think it starts with us having a moment together in some coffee shop, right?” It’s going to feel scary at first. Falling in love is sort of like riding a bike though. You never really forget.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’ll be a more sane person. Your first love is when you get all of your insanity out. You behave like an insane monster because your mind is freaking out about all these new powerful feelings. By the second time, however, you have an idea of what works and what doesn’t. It’s by no means perfect. The insanity will make a cameo at some point. “Peek a boo. I’m here! Hope you didn’t forget about me!” But you can usually shoo it away after awhile.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you will hopefully have better sex. Do not quote me on this.

The second time will not be the first time. The first time is an insane magical life gift that you can never reclaim. But that’s okay. The second time is more real anyway. The second time can involve some amazing love.

Do Not Fall In Love With People Like Me

Do not fall in love
With people like me.
people like me
will love you so hard
that you turn into stone
into a statue where people
come to marvel at how long
it must have taken to carve
that faraway look into your eyes

Do not fall in love with people like me
we will take you to
museums and parks
and monuments
and kiss you in every beautiful
place so that you can
never go back to them
without tasting us
like blood in your mouth

Do not come any closer.
people like me
are bombs
when our time is up
we will splatter loss
all over your walls
in angry colors
that make you wish
your doorway never
learned our name

do not fall in love
with people like me.
with the lonely ones
we will forget our own names
if it means learning yours
we will make you think
hurricanes are gentle
that pain is a gift
you will get lost
in the desperation
in the longing for something
that is always reaching
but never able to hold

do not fall in love
with people like me.
we will destroy your
apartment
we will throw apologies at you
that shatter on the floor
and cut your feet

we will never learn
how to be soft

we will leave.
we always do.

”

Go

You should stay as far away from me as possible. You should pack up your blue eyes and your cold, immobile heart and leave me in the middle of the night with no word on how to find you. Listen to your instincts, feel it in the wind, whatever. Look for the signs, each one is whispering to you a single word: Run! So go. Git. Ignore our similar histories and passions. Do not imagine the future I could slide into like water down your throat. Do not close your eyes and remember how we have quietly twisted together. Whatever you do, don’t remember the good. The good might lure you back to me. Instead, think only of your fears and call them convictions. Call yourself a wanderer. Tell yourself I will only tie you down. Repeat these excuses to your friends. Pretend not to hear how flimsy the words sound. Go explore, be alone, find yourself. Meet uncomplicated girls. Don’t learn their last names. Fuck them. You fear (and rightly so) what I will do to your life. I would challenge every thought, blur every line and insist on vivid detail and subtext. I would ask too much. I would be an upheaval, a time suck, the last thing you need in the tidy bohemian chaos of your story line. I am soft-bodied and warm blooded and entirely to conflicted and passionate to be any good to you. I would grab. I would insist. I would run my hands up your arm, put my mouth to your ear, and whisper “I love you.” Go. Please, without saying goodbye. And I wish you all the happiness in the world, I really do

I loved you well

I dare you to say I didn't give it my best shot
I dare you to say I didn't give you a second chance
I dare you to say I didn't give you enough time

You have no idea how hard I tried to suppress my emotions for you
You have no idea how hard I controlled my tears for two hours in public
You have no idea how much ache my heart felt and still had to control it
You have no idea how horrible it felt to be eating ice cream halfway and burst into tears
You have no idea how much it hurt when my classmate asked me, "Do you think he knows that you're hurting this much?" and I said no
You have no idea how often times I think of you each day but even when my heart says go, my mind says no
You have no idea how much it hurts to be the one walking away from someone she loves


So if you think I am this changed person that pushed you away, ignored you, and thinks what you say are unimportant, think again.