It makes me sick, the way sadness is addicting.

The way I can’t stop. Sadness is familiar.
It’s comfortable and it’s easy in a sense that it comes naturally to me.
But everything else about it is hard.
The way my body aches with self-hatred. The way my mind spins and spins with hopeless thoughts. The way it poisons everything I do, every relationship I have.

Yet it’s addicting, because I know sadness, and I know it very well.
And there’s a sort of comfort in that, like being home after a trip or sleeping in your own bed after being away. There’s just a sense that this is where I belong.
This is how it’s supposed to be.

"

I want to rip off your logic
 and make passionate sense to you

I want to ride in the swing of your hips

My fingers will dig in you like quotation marks,
blazing your limbs into parts of speech. "

If I

"When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely! Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."

Sorry
if I ever used you to get over someone
I hate it
I hate myself for doing that
And I am changing.
So if you thought that I was being heartless or making use of you,
I am sorry
I couldn't help it, that was the only way protecting myself.

How could you?

It's so upsetting to think that when I let myself, my heart, my feelings to go wild, to fall, I get hurt.
To think that I give it my all and try to make things work, to try to be the good girl for someone, shit happens. I don't understand why or how would someone like you do this to me. How about the things we shared? The late nights talking till our cheek bones hurt, the skype video calls when you tell me how much you miss me and how much you can't wait to see me. What about those? Times when you didn't have a data plan and wanted to talk to me so bad. When you traveled to bars to look for wifi. When you called abroad just to tell me you miss me. When you woke up from your sleep just to pick my call. When you call me boo and all the sweet nothings. Did any of that mean anything to you? I let my heart down and fall for you and this happens. I don't know how. I don't know why. Shit happens. Every single new guy I meet/date, only teaches me not to trust the next one. I haven't drop a single tear ever since. And I swore to myself I would not. Even right now, with all the emotions I sustained gushing all over me, I am not gonna drop a single fucking tear.

Asshole, you have no idea how much it hurts.

September

09

August was a rather hectic month for me, despite me having my holidays, it was a really packed and busy month. And here comes the first day of September and everything have been going so smoothly for me that it's unbelievable.

Friends, family, love, school, work.

Love;
I met someone new, and it's long distance, I met him during my stay in Bangkok. But he's not Thai, not the usual 'he's a gold digger' kind of image people think about. He's just a regular student studying his degree there.

It's long distance thus all we do is talk. We talk in ways that are way too phenomenal. I've never met someone so alike as me. I know how people say the same character crashes sometimes. But with him, it's different? Most people take my straightforwardness as a form of rudeness. Most can't stand the way I talk, behave, or lead my life. But he handles it just well, and likes it cause he's so much like me.

I am normally not a cheesy person, as in I am not even cheesy in a least bit. I don't sweet talk, or speak in a baby voice, I often think like a guy, and is really harsh with relationships. But with him, I... I say cheesy things every single day. It's so so way beyond the word cheesy. It's words that really disgust outsiders, lol.
And with him, it feels like puppy love. You know how people use the word, 'puppy love' to describe a stupid old love story in high school? I describe it on him in a way like, you can never find such puppy love in this century. People these days uses mind games, tactics, methods to win someone over. There is hardly ever the, 'I am gonna be honest and true about my feelings, and not lie' during the get-to-know stage of someone new.
With him, it's this way. I can be entirely myself. I can talk about my past, even all the wrong doings. And he tells me his scandalous events too. And we just laugh it off, no grudges. I know having to say all these but with the fact that it's long distance, it's stupid. But somehow, we have plans, plans that could actually work.

With him, I feel like I found my soulmate, I feel like I waited my entire life for him, I feel like he's a gem.
Sounds cheesy eh? My conversations with him is 100000x more cheesier than this. Imagine that. Imagine me doing/saying stuff like that. Not me. So not me. And yet somehow, I enjoy doing it. It's so premature to say this. But I think I am falling in love.

Rough

Rough month
A rough 21st

Birthday month should be the happiest and it's my 21st, I thought it'd be a great one. It wasn't that bad. I spent 8 days in Bangkok, but I missed my flight on the the 7th day and I was hospitalized on my return and spent 5 days in the hospital. So that part was bad. It was a once in a lifetime experience thing though.

Right now, I am rather glad.
I met someone new and all we do is talk. I mean, we could really talk for hours and not feel out of topics, we could really connect in ways like I've been finding a person to bond like this in years. Right now, everything seems right and I do hope it stays this way. And it sort of let my heart down on someone else that I've been wanting to let go off for the longest time. Last year this time, I was really happy, I thought I met The One, but well, if you read, you know. Life goes on. So for now, I am just really hopeful about this ongoing friendship. I don't wanna jinx it but I really do want to write it down. I often look back at this page and read through my thoughts and think to myself, and I want to look back at this some time later, and remind myself that, I am at least happy now.

I am happy and I want to stay happy.

:)

I want to bend in a thousand directions
Like the sun does,
Like love does,
Like time stopped so the hands of the clock could hold each other.
And we held each other
Like I held these words for too many years on the tip of my tongue.