See you tomorrow. No.

I fall for the littlest things, like one saying the right words at the right timing, the little gestures, the small words, the smirk smile, the scent, the morning kisses. And I have to keep reminding myself that I can't. Because at this age of me, the amount of things that I've been through, the people I met, I really shouldn't judge things/people based on feelings, and that's really sad cause really, I am only 21.

i am sad

i am sad but i can't cry. i am sad but i watch the saddest videos but nothing touches me. i am sad and i see something cruel and i can't cry. i meet people i fall i become happy then i become sad and i can't cry. i am sad but sometimes i feel like i have no feelings or i choose to be this way but i can't cry. i am sad and it often puzzles me that if i chose to be sad but i can't cry. i am sad till the extend that i think sad isn't the right word anymore and i can't cry. i am sad and it makes me really sad and i just want to cry it out loud.


The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. You know, when Sad tries to bite its lip and not cry and smile and go, “No, I’m happy for you”? That’s when it’s really sad.”

The One Far Away

Sometimes the saddest words are the ones I left on this blog
the ones I wrote myself
the happy ones
the sad ones
I felt those moments and I wrote them down
from time to time, I read them again, and feel again what I felt, and I think
for the good and for the bad

I think about the same things he keeps telling me whenever he see me. It's always the same old stuff. And those same words haunts me...in different stages

• I believed them, I was touched
• I start to think about it and have doubts
• I think they're crap, you're just using them to make me always have feelings for you
• Again? You should at least come out with something new

...and now it's at the stage which makes me think in a way that.. maybe I should be glad. Glad that at least I made someone to speak of me like that to his friends(if let's say it's really true)..at least when he thinks about me, he thinks about the good of me..at least he still thinks of me..at least whenever he bumped into me, he still have this look..that look that have so much meaning in it..that look that I used to look at him at..at least he still feel something..at least even though it's been almost a year..what happened still could cause an impact on him..at least

sometimes I just wished you could have been what I wanted
or I could be what you wanted
and we would be happy now

I will love you not just for your wit and talent and beauty, but simply because you are you, with no strings attached. I love you for who you are deep in your soul, not for the color of your eyes or the length of your legs or the size of your checkbook. The longing is that the lover admire us stripped of our external assets, appreciating the essence of our being without accomplishments, ready to repeat the unconditional love said by some to exist between parent and child. The real self is what one can freely choose to be, and if a birthmark arises on our forehead or age withers us or recession bankrupts us, then we must be excused for accidents that have damaged what is only our surface. And even if we are beautiful and rich, then we do not wish to be loved on account of these things, for they may fail us, and with them, love. I would prefer you to compliment me on my brain than on my face, but if you must, then I would rather you comment on my smile [motor and muscle-controlled] then on my nose [static and tissue-based]. The desire is that I be loved even if I lost everything, leaving nothing but “me,” this mysterious “me” taken to be the self at its weakest, most vulnerable point. Do you love me enough that I may be weak with you? Everyone loves strength, but do you love me for my weakness? That is the real test. Do you love me stripped of everything that might be lost, for only the things I will have forever?

The Ocean

I want someone that I can call the ocean. No fear that he will be gone when I look away. He will be there. He will always be there.

Where's my Ocean?

#1
Loved him. Fell for him during sweetsixteen and he didn't. Broke me. Cried terribly on my birthday after spending the entire day with him.
Reconciled 3 years later. He fell. I fell again. Broke me even harder. Someone I thought I'd never never cross pathways again in life crossed. Gave me hope. Destroyed me. And I literally handed him my heart on his hand and told him to go ahead and break it.
One that looked at me in the eye and tell me he likes me
One that hugged me tight enough to feel the inner warmth
One that was so near physically
but yet felt so so so far apart

#2
The biggest commitment.
One I toned down drinking, clubbing, social life for
One I sacrificed most for
One I cried most for
One that my parents and friends acknowledged
One that done me wrong the most
One that makes it so hard to love
they say, if you really love someone, love conquers all, you look pass his wrongs and live with him
And he, makes it so hard to love.
I look at him now and I just want to be friends. He makes it so hard to even befriend.

#3
Perfect.
No one is perfect. I don't know what is 10/10. But he is probably 9.
Our mind blends in together.
We share the same frequency.
We talk like there's like no tomorrow and he surprised me everyday with the fact that someone can be so alike as me
We had something so different.
It was nothing physical but all talk.
And first time in my life, words could mean so much.
I don't think I can ever find someone like him again..if I do, it will never be like him. I don't believe that you can find someone as alike as him in a lifetime. And humans can't help to make comparison. And there will always be a slight thing that makes me realize they're not the same.
I want that. I know I can never be with him. And that's just sad. Cause the reason is fucking distance. Isn't that sad?
I am logical but I don't wanna be
I understand but I don't wanna understand.
I would rather do long distance and have him.
The amazing bond I have with my best friend. Imagine that I found it in a male that I like. And we can't be together. What's with that?

i look up at the sky and the tiny blinking light of an airplane passing by tempts me to catch it between my fingers, but i've lost count and wishes don't come true, so i bury my hands in pocket of my hoodie and i miss you.

and i look at the stars that are the same ones you're looking at from hours away and remember how we used to look at them in each other's arms and i miss you. i feel the cold air on a clear fall day and i miss you. and i find myself reaching for your hand when i go to our places and i miss you. i worry that now i know happy and i won't get it back and i miss you. and i know you're never coming back and i need to let myself move on and i miss you.

i’ll unfurl the old and curl up with it into my sheets, wrap myself up in hollow surrender, breathe it into my pillowcase and play it on my guitar strings because i miss you.

i miss you missing me. we'll both move on soon, i'm sure, and there will be a different girl who proudly shoulders the label of best friend and i'll be here a thousand miles away kissing someone you'll never meet along the river walk on a thursday. and even though i'll move on and you'll move on, i still miss you.

sad isn't it

life taught me that being honest with your friends, your feelings, your surroundings,
is not gonna make people like you, and because of your damn character and flaws, people are gonna judge and pick on them, despite them being your closest, despite they should be the ones that are not gonna judge and just understand.

my intuition, and my analyzing skills on people, on things. I use them, a lot. but I tend to not use it on my own friends, cause it's tiring. it is really tiring if I can't even be myself with my own friends.

and the case here, is that a friend I know since high school, it feels like, she changed too much, into another person. I used to think that she has a really carefree, I-don't-care character. but it doesn't seems that way anymore. it's scarier when you know that she keep her silence because that's the smartest thing to do without being the bad person, but you will never know what she can say about a particular thing aftermath.

when you can't even be yourself with your own best friend
sad isn't it