我独自走在街上看着天空找不到答案

Talked to a random friend recently and I told him about my future plans.

My future includes, when I'm financially able to support myself and my parents, and I'm at the age whereby I want a kid, I'm gonna buy sperms from a sperm bank.

Reasonings due to :

• Among the years, I've met good and bad men. Bad ones, no future explanation needed. Good ones, they only turned into a stalker once I decided to reject them
• In my own opinion, 99% of men, either they cheat and still be with you, or they leave.
• My future, doesn't involve in me depending on anyone, (yes of course, if I meet some rich fuck and can support my family financially, I'll marry him, but it's for my family. Not for me.).
• Bottom line, I can do anything in the world for my parents. 
• But I have my morals, only under special circumstances, then I'll lead to the 'rich marriage' solution.
• Yes I admit, I have trust issues towards men. They all leave, eventually, sooner or later.
• I'm only 23, but right now, I'm only focusing on work and school and of course my parents. But I lost hope for love or any kind of relationship. I've been alone for far too long. I've been too independent to ever need someone to lean on to. Sometimes I feel like a burden when I have to depend on someone. (I'm not trying to self praise myself, but close friends know that, I'm better being alone). 
• Working as a part time job currently, I'm working events & nightlife, to earn a 'back up' savings till I graduate and find a decent job. And working events, I get to meet all kinds of people. Rich ones poor ones. I could easily manipulate any rich ones and I can quit degree and just support my family. But thats not for now, or for me in particular. Like I mentioned, my future doesn't involve me depending on anyone. It's all me. 

And after saying all these to a friend, his reply was "This is so sad, you're so sad." 

Happiness is important, but it isn't to me. 

My parent's happiness and leading a comfortable life is more of my priority. I've been alone, unhappy, sad, independent for way too long. I don't need to be happy. I just want them to be happy. That's all. 

And this is why...why I'm single for the past 7 years. 

Love Of My Life

Few days back, I tried my hardest, probably the hardest ever, to cry.
I wanted to cry so bad. I wanted to let it out, knowing the only way to make me feel better is to cry it all out. But I couldn't.

Everyone has that one special person that is the "Love of my life". And he's mine.
He seems to be making his choice of his Ms Right, making her your Mrs Right.
I wish you all my best. The very best. But I can't help to be sad about it.
I am still waiting for the news to hit me. It hasn't. And the day will arrive soon.

Why do the lonely people stare up to the sky?

Empty

Very empty. For the first time, this space doesn't give me comfort anymore. The only friend of mine that makes me happy...is different. She stopped giving me comfort, or even a reason to smile at the thought of her. I miss you so much my happy pill. I miss you but I feel like there is nothing I could do about us.

Phobia

I am afraid. I am terrified. I am scared.
Of love. Of anything that relates to getting close with someone.
I am so scared. Of anything. Of everyone.

Fate

I don't know why I am still trying. I don't know how many times have I mentioned about you in this space. I don't know what keeps me going on. I don't know why I managed to give up on you so many times and yet always come back running into your arms because somehow I still believe in you in us in fate in love. I don't know what is wrong with you. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with you. It is like you cannot seem to let me be alone with myself. I love you, I give up, I miss you, I mourn over giving up on you, I stopped missing you, I stopped thinking of you. And you just had to come stir with my feelings again. You say you love me but that is not the way you love someone. I don't think I am demanding at all, with the least of things I wish we could do together. I am so sick I am so tired of all your words, your mother fucking words, all of them are just words, all fucking words, all useless words. Mother fucker, can't you tell that I fucking love you and despite knowing you soon enough will break my heart again but I still handed you my heart wanting to give it a try again. But fucker, seriously, fuck you. Fuck your love.

Define this

I can't seem to find that fire in love anymore. What is love? I've lost all interest in boys, love, or relationships in general. What is this? I'm not a person to give up easily. But I'm so tired. I've been single for 5 years and in these years, I've met 4 different person. They taught me so many ways on how not to trust the next person. Good and bad times but bad times seems to strike more.

Then I thought about you, F. I told myself, I told people around me that I don't love you anymore. But is it the case? I've convinced them and now I'm left with myself to convince. Is it that love is gone or that there are too many variables that point me to the pathway which love no longer exists between us. I'm left with thoughts of you not trying to make the best out of us. You didn't try. You didn't fight. You didn't make me feel worthwhile. You didn't love me. You think you love me. But that's not what love is. You didn't. I still ponder if what you said is true. Did you really cry because I left you? Did you? It's not that I don't believe in you. You made me not to. You didn't try to make me believe in you. I have too many doubts. Love love love, what is it for? Absolute nothing.

Done

You're the one person that taught me the clear definition of what loving someone shouldn't be like. The Nots of love.

You showed me all the reasons a person that speaks of love so fondly shouldn't do. Love isnt all words. It's never just the words. Your words did work on me. It did kept me going for almost a year, with just your words. Thats just me being blinded by love. By your so called love. And it led to my so called faith.

I'm not blaming you. Actually, I'm thanking you. Though I didn't receive the kind of love you said or the kind that I yearn for. I'm happy that I met you. For, you did make me really happy. It also showed me all the clear definitions of love and what not to fall for the next time. I thank you. Sincerely.

I'm sorry. But I need to grow out of you.

I am sorry for leaving you yet so easily pulled back by your "I miss you(s)"
I am sorry for you're the only reason I've been smiling and crying about for the past one year
I am sorry for doubting you, as much as I want to believe your words
I am sorry for "love" isn't enough
I am sorry for coming up with excuses and yet coming up with facts to diminish any hopes for you
I am sorry for thinking "fate" still exists in us
I am sorry for singing praises about you to people yet secretly knows the faults in us


I am sorry for how I acted.
I am sorry for inventing a you that was impossible to let go. You told me once that you loved me, and that when you were sad, all you wanted was me.
I’m sorry that those things ever stopped being true.
I’m sorry that I still remember that you said them.
I am sorry that I fell in love with a version of you that I invented.
I am sorry that I will never again know you, me, or us.

And most of all, I cannot apologize enough that I am sorry that I love you.

16th Sept'13 / 03:55am