my hair is getting long and i miss you. the absence of squeaky train cars rattle through the cracks in my bones and i miss you. my shoes are too small for me, they suffocate my feet but i wear them anyway, and i miss you. i kissed a boy and kissed another. i think you’d like them both, and i miss you. i cannot keep my room clean, can’t keep my headphones from tangling and my music from blasting and the pen from bleeding through the page, and the stairs from leading both up and down, and the river from the ocean and the sun from the sky, and i can’t help the fact that i stay up too late every night, and i miss you. i’m clutching the tail end of summer while beckoning the fall, god i thought i was ready to fall but now i know i’m not or i think i’m not, i’m walking around everywhere to avoid everyone and i just really miss you. i haven’t written anything in a long, long time and i miss you. i jumped off a cliff. it took me two whole seconds to fall and right before i hit the water, i missed you. i see so many faces that we would both adore, and every time i see a new one, i miss you. i don’t know what to do with all the new; if i should store it in the pockets of my summer shorts or sew it to the inside of my new october coat or keep it hidden in the lace of my new lingerie that maybe someone will be seeing sometime soon. maybe i’ll unfurl the old and curl up with it into my sheets, wrap myself up in hollow surrender, breathe it into my pillowcase and play it on my guitar strings because i miss you. your hair changed color and you finally smile with your teeth and now there are more people that will love every part of you, and while they do, just remember that i miss you.

what if

what if I told you,

that I miss you
that I miss talking to you every night
that I miss having someone like you
that I miss the fact that we share so much in common and you always understand me
that I miss you missing me
that I miss me knowing that you like me as much as I do
that I miss those cheesy talks and those goosebumps you give me
that I miss coming home early just to talk to you
that I miss giving up clubbing nights just to stay in for you
that I miss having screenshots of our conversation that makes me go aww
that I miss you
that I just fucking miss you, you have no fucking idea and fact that no matter how much I miss you or even the slightest bit of you missing me, you wouldn't let that happen, cause your fucked up logical character is not gonna let that happen

This is the part that I get pissed with myself for missing you
fuck.

Study me as much as you like, you will never know me, for I differ a hundred ways from what you see me to be. Put yourself behind my eyes, and see me as I see myself, for I have chosen to dwell in a place you cannot see.

It makes me sick, the way sadness is addicting.

The way I can’t stop. Sadness is familiar.
It’s comfortable and it’s easy in a sense that it comes naturally to me.
But everything else about it is hard.
The way my body aches with self-hatred. The way my mind spins and spins with hopeless thoughts. The way it poisons everything I do, every relationship I have.

Yet it’s addicting, because I know sadness, and I know it very well.
And there’s a sort of comfort in that, like being home after a trip or sleeping in your own bed after being away. There’s just a sense that this is where I belong.
This is how it’s supposed to be.

"

I want to rip off your logic
 and make passionate sense to you

I want to ride in the swing of your hips

My fingers will dig in you like quotation marks,
blazing your limbs into parts of speech. "

If I

"When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely! Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."

Sorry
if I ever used you to get over someone
I hate it
I hate myself for doing that
And I am changing.
So if you thought that I was being heartless or making use of you,
I am sorry
I couldn't help it, that was the only way protecting myself.

How could you?

It's so upsetting to think that when I let myself, my heart, my feelings to go wild, to fall, I get hurt.
To think that I give it my all and try to make things work, to try to be the good girl for someone, shit happens. I don't understand why or how would someone like you do this to me. How about the things we shared? The late nights talking till our cheek bones hurt, the skype video calls when you tell me how much you miss me and how much you can't wait to see me. What about those? Times when you didn't have a data plan and wanted to talk to me so bad. When you traveled to bars to look for wifi. When you called abroad just to tell me you miss me. When you woke up from your sleep just to pick my call. When you call me boo and all the sweet nothings. Did any of that mean anything to you? I let my heart down and fall for you and this happens. I don't know how. I don't know why. Shit happens. Every single new guy I meet/date, only teaches me not to trust the next one. I haven't drop a single tear ever since. And I swore to myself I would not. Even right now, with all the emotions I sustained gushing all over me, I am not gonna drop a single fucking tear.

Asshole, you have no idea how much it hurts.

September

09

August was a rather hectic month for me, despite me having my holidays, it was a really packed and busy month. And here comes the first day of September and everything have been going so smoothly for me that it's unbelievable.

Friends, family, love, school, work.

Love;
I met someone new, and it's long distance, I met him during my stay in Bangkok. But he's not Thai, not the usual 'he's a gold digger' kind of image people think about. He's just a regular student studying his degree there.

It's long distance thus all we do is talk. We talk in ways that are way too phenomenal. I've never met someone so alike as me. I know how people say the same character crashes sometimes. But with him, it's different? Most people take my straightforwardness as a form of rudeness. Most can't stand the way I talk, behave, or lead my life. But he handles it just well, and likes it cause he's so much like me.

I am normally not a cheesy person, as in I am not even cheesy in a least bit. I don't sweet talk, or speak in a baby voice, I often think like a guy, and is really harsh with relationships. But with him, I... I say cheesy things every single day. It's so so way beyond the word cheesy. It's words that really disgust outsiders, lol.
And with him, it feels like puppy love. You know how people use the word, 'puppy love' to describe a stupid old love story in high school? I describe it on him in a way like, you can never find such puppy love in this century. People these days uses mind games, tactics, methods to win someone over. There is hardly ever the, 'I am gonna be honest and true about my feelings, and not lie' during the get-to-know stage of someone new.
With him, it's this way. I can be entirely myself. I can talk about my past, even all the wrong doings. And he tells me his scandalous events too. And we just laugh it off, no grudges. I know having to say all these but with the fact that it's long distance, it's stupid. But somehow, we have plans, plans that could actually work.

With him, I feel like I found my soulmate, I feel like I waited my entire life for him, I feel like he's a gem.
Sounds cheesy eh? My conversations with him is 100000x more cheesier than this. Imagine that. Imagine me doing/saying stuff like that. Not me. So not me. And yet somehow, I enjoy doing it. It's so premature to say this. But I think I am falling in love.