F

I am very demanding, very sensitive, very angst, very petty

But I do feel for you. And as much as I say this on a frequent basis on this space. Every each time, I mean it. Even him, someone I am sort of dating now, tells me that if it wasn't the 'me' he been with for 2 months now, he would still see me as the girl that is wild, carefree, gives no two fucks about boys or feelings

Well, I am.
I don't care about most things. Or rather, I choose not to care.
Most of the time, life works better when you choose not to care.

But I do care. I care for those that I think are worth caring for. Like F. This thing we have is irony. There is no future. But yet a little girl in me holds on to that hope. Each time I want to give up on him, let go of him, I struggle. And I can't help it. There are so many points of him that refuses to let that logical bitch in me do the thinking

I don't know if I love him. Maybe I do. Maybe I don't. We exchanged such sweet nothings. But I don't think he meant it. And the worst part is, I don't think I meant it. So what is this? Is this love? Or is this yet again my desperate attempt looking for my Ocean.

something deeper

Many people say they're empty
But I'm too full. Full of memories, fears, hope, love and anger
I have too much inside myself
I have a heart that's getting too heavy to carry around
I feel so much I can't have peace

Call me a loser

When it comes to feelings, I am this timid, I dare not feel, when I know I am feeling too much, I withdraw, I do the wrong things on purpose to make the other dislike me, to make the other withdraw, I am scared, right now, I am very scared. I love you. I do. I am so afraid. Because it's been almost a year since I last cried this bad for someone, the kind of trembling when you're crying, when you touch your chest and you can feel your heart breaking into pieces, and it continues breaking into smaller pieces, when you cry till you can't stop, when you can feel tears flowing down to your ears, when you think about how much you love him and it already hurts this bad now, you don't know what would happen if more feelings are involved, it hurts so bad but I really wish that when one day when you're ready for me, you'd come back chasing, cause I can assure you this. I'll be here. I will always be here.