“Even when I detach, I care. You can be separate from a thing and still care about it. If I wanted to detach completely, I would move my body away. I would stop the conversation midsentence. I would leave the bed. Instead, I hover over it for a second. I glance off in another direction. But I always glance back at you.”

‘Breakfast At Tiffany’s’

"But you can’t give your heart to a wild thing: the more you do, the stronger they get. Until they’re strong enough to run into the woods. Or fly into a tree. Then the sky. That’s how you’ll end up, if you let yourself love a wild thing."

Asking too much

"I want you to tell me about every person you’ve ever been in love with. Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you. Tell me about a day in your life you didn’t think you’d live through. Tell me what the word “home” means to you and tell me in a way that I’ll know your mothers name just by the way you describe your bed room when you were 8. See, I wanna know the first time you felt the weight of hate and if that day still trembles beneath your bones. Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain or bounce in the bellies of snow? And if you were to build a snowman, would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms? Or would you leave the snowman armless for the sake of being harmless to the tree? And if you would, would you notice how that tree weeps for you because your snowman has no arms to hug you every time you kiss him on the cheek? Do you kiss your friends on the cheek? Do you sleep beside them when they’re sad, even if it makes your lover mad? Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain? See, I wanna know what you think of your first name. And if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mothers joy when she spoke it for the very first time. I want you to tell me all the ways you’ve been unkind. Tell me all the ways you’ve been cruel."

See you tomorrow. No.

I fall for the littlest things, like one saying the right words at the right timing, the little gestures, the small words, the smirk smile, the scent, the morning kisses. And I have to keep reminding myself that I can't. Because at this age of me, the amount of things that I've been through, the people I met, I really shouldn't judge things/people based on feelings, and that's really sad cause really, I am only 21.

i am sad

i am sad but i can't cry. i am sad but i watch the saddest videos but nothing touches me. i am sad and i see something cruel and i can't cry. i meet people i fall i become happy then i become sad and i can't cry. i am sad but sometimes i feel like i have no feelings or i choose to be this way but i can't cry. i am sad and it often puzzles me that if i chose to be sad but i can't cry. i am sad till the extend that i think sad isn't the right word anymore and i can't cry. i am sad and it makes me really sad and i just want to cry it out loud.


The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. You know, when Sad tries to bite its lip and not cry and smile and go, “No, I’m happy for you”? That’s when it’s really sad.”

The One Far Away

Sometimes the saddest words are the ones I left on this blog
the ones I wrote myself
the happy ones
the sad ones
I felt those moments and I wrote them down
from time to time, I read them again, and feel again what I felt, and I think
for the good and for the bad

I think about the same things he keeps telling me whenever he see me. It's always the same old stuff. And those same words haunts me...in different stages

• I believed them, I was touched
• I start to think about it and have doubts
• I think they're crap, you're just using them to make me always have feelings for you
• Again? You should at least come out with something new

...and now it's at the stage which makes me think in a way that.. maybe I should be glad. Glad that at least I made someone to speak of me like that to his friends(if let's say it's really true)..at least when he thinks about me, he thinks about the good of me..at least he still thinks of me..at least whenever he bumped into me, he still have this look..that look that have so much meaning in it..that look that I used to look at him at..at least he still feel something..at least even though it's been almost a year..what happened still could cause an impact on him..at least

sometimes I just wished you could have been what I wanted
or I could be what you wanted
and we would be happy now

I will love you not just for your wit and talent and beauty, but simply because you are you, with no strings attached. I love you for who you are deep in your soul, not for the color of your eyes or the length of your legs or the size of your checkbook. The longing is that the lover admire us stripped of our external assets, appreciating the essence of our being without accomplishments, ready to repeat the unconditional love said by some to exist between parent and child. The real self is what one can freely choose to be, and if a birthmark arises on our forehead or age withers us or recession bankrupts us, then we must be excused for accidents that have damaged what is only our surface. And even if we are beautiful and rich, then we do not wish to be loved on account of these things, for they may fail us, and with them, love. I would prefer you to compliment me on my brain than on my face, but if you must, then I would rather you comment on my smile [motor and muscle-controlled] then on my nose [static and tissue-based]. The desire is that I be loved even if I lost everything, leaving nothing but “me,” this mysterious “me” taken to be the self at its weakest, most vulnerable point. Do you love me enough that I may be weak with you? Everyone loves strength, but do you love me for my weakness? That is the real test. Do you love me stripped of everything that might be lost, for only the things I will have forever?

The Ocean

I want someone that I can call the ocean. No fear that he will be gone when I look away. He will be there. He will always be there.

Where's my Ocean?

#1
Loved him. Fell for him during sweetsixteen and he didn't. Broke me. Cried terribly on my birthday after spending the entire day with him.
Reconciled 3 years later. He fell. I fell again. Broke me even harder. Someone I thought I'd never never cross pathways again in life crossed. Gave me hope. Destroyed me. And I literally handed him my heart on his hand and told him to go ahead and break it.
One that looked at me in the eye and tell me he likes me
One that hugged me tight enough to feel the inner warmth
One that was so near physically
but yet felt so so so far apart

#2
The biggest commitment.
One I toned down drinking, clubbing, social life for
One I sacrificed most for
One I cried most for
One that my parents and friends acknowledged
One that done me wrong the most
One that makes it so hard to love
they say, if you really love someone, love conquers all, you look pass his wrongs and live with him
And he, makes it so hard to love.
I look at him now and I just want to be friends. He makes it so hard to even befriend.

#3
Perfect.
No one is perfect. I don't know what is 10/10. But he is probably 9.
Our mind blends in together.
We share the same frequency.
We talk like there's like no tomorrow and he surprised me everyday with the fact that someone can be so alike as me
We had something so different.
It was nothing physical but all talk.
And first time in my life, words could mean so much.
I don't think I can ever find someone like him again..if I do, it will never be like him. I don't believe that you can find someone as alike as him in a lifetime. And humans can't help to make comparison. And there will always be a slight thing that makes me realize they're not the same.
I want that. I know I can never be with him. And that's just sad. Cause the reason is fucking distance. Isn't that sad?
I am logical but I don't wanna be
I understand but I don't wanna understand.
I would rather do long distance and have him.
The amazing bond I have with my best friend. Imagine that I found it in a male that I like. And we can't be together. What's with that?

i look up at the sky and the tiny blinking light of an airplane passing by tempts me to catch it between my fingers, but i've lost count and wishes don't come true, so i bury my hands in pocket of my hoodie and i miss you.

and i look at the stars that are the same ones you're looking at from hours away and remember how we used to look at them in each other's arms and i miss you. i feel the cold air on a clear fall day and i miss you. and i find myself reaching for your hand when i go to our places and i miss you. i worry that now i know happy and i won't get it back and i miss you. and i know you're never coming back and i need to let myself move on and i miss you.

i’ll unfurl the old and curl up with it into my sheets, wrap myself up in hollow surrender, breathe it into my pillowcase and play it on my guitar strings because i miss you.

i miss you missing me. we'll both move on soon, i'm sure, and there will be a different girl who proudly shoulders the label of best friend and i'll be here a thousand miles away kissing someone you'll never meet along the river walk on a thursday. and even though i'll move on and you'll move on, i still miss you.

sad isn't it

life taught me that being honest with your friends, your feelings, your surroundings,
is not gonna make people like you, and because of your damn character and flaws, people are gonna judge and pick on them, despite them being your closest, despite they should be the ones that are not gonna judge and just understand.

my intuition, and my analyzing skills on people, on things. I use them, a lot. but I tend to not use it on my own friends, cause it's tiring. it is really tiring if I can't even be myself with my own friends.

and the case here, is that a friend I know since high school, it feels like, she changed too much, into another person. I used to think that she has a really carefree, I-don't-care character. but it doesn't seems that way anymore. it's scarier when you know that she keep her silence because that's the smartest thing to do without being the bad person, but you will never know what she can say about a particular thing aftermath.

when you can't even be yourself with your own best friend
sad isn't it

Instant

“What is an "instant" death anyway? How long is an instant? Is it one second? Ten? The pain of those seconds must have been awful as her heart burst and her lungs collapsed and there was no air and no blood to her brain and only raw panic. What the hell is instant? Nothing is instant. Instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding an hour. I doubt that an instant of blinding pain feels particularly instantaneous.”

sometimes

Sometimes I wish for the littlest things
like, wanting to hear your voice again..
like, wanting to hear you say my name again.

and it's like
no.

I can’t love you

I can’t love you because I’m scared. Because I’ve been broken hearted and I know the pain of losing something I love all too well. I don’t have another heartbreak in me, and sometimes when I look at you I imagine myself as a younger girl and I know I would have ridden into the sunset with you, had you asked, even if you were entirely wrong for me. I can’t love you because I’m so tired of love; its commitments and risks. I can’t love you because I don’t know if you’re worth the commitment or the risk and I’m not willing to find out the hard way, although I sincerely hope that one day I will be. I can’t love you because I don’t want to, and sometimes I’m afraid that makes me a bad person.

my hair is getting long and i miss you. the absence of squeaky train cars rattle through the cracks in my bones and i miss you. my shoes are too small for me, they suffocate my feet but i wear them anyway, and i miss you. i kissed a boy and kissed another. i think you’d like them both, and i miss you. i cannot keep my room clean, can’t keep my headphones from tangling and my music from blasting and the pen from bleeding through the page, and the stairs from leading both up and down, and the river from the ocean and the sun from the sky, and i can’t help the fact that i stay up too late every night, and i miss you. i’m clutching the tail end of summer while beckoning the fall, god i thought i was ready to fall but now i know i’m not or i think i’m not, i’m walking around everywhere to avoid everyone and i just really miss you. i haven’t written anything in a long, long time and i miss you. i jumped off a cliff. it took me two whole seconds to fall and right before i hit the water, i missed you. i see so many faces that we would both adore, and every time i see a new one, i miss you. i don’t know what to do with all the new; if i should store it in the pockets of my summer shorts or sew it to the inside of my new october coat or keep it hidden in the lace of my new lingerie that maybe someone will be seeing sometime soon. maybe i’ll unfurl the old and curl up with it into my sheets, wrap myself up in hollow surrender, breathe it into my pillowcase and play it on my guitar strings because i miss you. your hair changed color and you finally smile with your teeth and now there are more people that will love every part of you, and while they do, just remember that i miss you.

what if

what if I told you,

that I miss you
that I miss talking to you every night
that I miss having someone like you
that I miss the fact that we share so much in common and you always understand me
that I miss you missing me
that I miss me knowing that you like me as much as I do
that I miss those cheesy talks and those goosebumps you give me
that I miss coming home early just to talk to you
that I miss giving up clubbing nights just to stay in for you
that I miss having screenshots of our conversation that makes me go aww
that I miss you
that I just fucking miss you, you have no fucking idea and fact that no matter how much I miss you or even the slightest bit of you missing me, you wouldn't let that happen, cause your fucked up logical character is not gonna let that happen

This is the part that I get pissed with myself for missing you
fuck.

Study me as much as you like, you will never know me, for I differ a hundred ways from what you see me to be. Put yourself behind my eyes, and see me as I see myself, for I have chosen to dwell in a place you cannot see.

It makes me sick, the way sadness is addicting.

The way I can’t stop. Sadness is familiar.
It’s comfortable and it’s easy in a sense that it comes naturally to me.
But everything else about it is hard.
The way my body aches with self-hatred. The way my mind spins and spins with hopeless thoughts. The way it poisons everything I do, every relationship I have.

Yet it’s addicting, because I know sadness, and I know it very well.
And there’s a sort of comfort in that, like being home after a trip or sleeping in your own bed after being away. There’s just a sense that this is where I belong.
This is how it’s supposed to be.

"

I want to rip off your logic
 and make passionate sense to you

I want to ride in the swing of your hips

My fingers will dig in you like quotation marks,
blazing your limbs into parts of speech. "

If I

"When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely! Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."

Sorry
if I ever used you to get over someone
I hate it
I hate myself for doing that
And I am changing.
So if you thought that I was being heartless or making use of you,
I am sorry
I couldn't help it, that was the only way protecting myself.

How could you?

It's so upsetting to think that when I let myself, my heart, my feelings to go wild, to fall, I get hurt.
To think that I give it my all and try to make things work, to try to be the good girl for someone, shit happens. I don't understand why or how would someone like you do this to me. How about the things we shared? The late nights talking till our cheek bones hurt, the skype video calls when you tell me how much you miss me and how much you can't wait to see me. What about those? Times when you didn't have a data plan and wanted to talk to me so bad. When you traveled to bars to look for wifi. When you called abroad just to tell me you miss me. When you woke up from your sleep just to pick my call. When you call me boo and all the sweet nothings. Did any of that mean anything to you? I let my heart down and fall for you and this happens. I don't know how. I don't know why. Shit happens. Every single new guy I meet/date, only teaches me not to trust the next one. I haven't drop a single tear ever since. And I swore to myself I would not. Even right now, with all the emotions I sustained gushing all over me, I am not gonna drop a single fucking tear.

Asshole, you have no idea how much it hurts.

September

09

August was a rather hectic month for me, despite me having my holidays, it was a really packed and busy month. And here comes the first day of September and everything have been going so smoothly for me that it's unbelievable.

Friends, family, love, school, work.

Love;
I met someone new, and it's long distance, I met him during my stay in Bangkok. But he's not Thai, not the usual 'he's a gold digger' kind of image people think about. He's just a regular student studying his degree there.

It's long distance thus all we do is talk. We talk in ways that are way too phenomenal. I've never met someone so alike as me. I know how people say the same character crashes sometimes. But with him, it's different? Most people take my straightforwardness as a form of rudeness. Most can't stand the way I talk, behave, or lead my life. But he handles it just well, and likes it cause he's so much like me.

I am normally not a cheesy person, as in I am not even cheesy in a least bit. I don't sweet talk, or speak in a baby voice, I often think like a guy, and is really harsh with relationships. But with him, I... I say cheesy things every single day. It's so so way beyond the word cheesy. It's words that really disgust outsiders, lol.
And with him, it feels like puppy love. You know how people use the word, 'puppy love' to describe a stupid old love story in high school? I describe it on him in a way like, you can never find such puppy love in this century. People these days uses mind games, tactics, methods to win someone over. There is hardly ever the, 'I am gonna be honest and true about my feelings, and not lie' during the get-to-know stage of someone new.
With him, it's this way. I can be entirely myself. I can talk about my past, even all the wrong doings. And he tells me his scandalous events too. And we just laugh it off, no grudges. I know having to say all these but with the fact that it's long distance, it's stupid. But somehow, we have plans, plans that could actually work.

With him, I feel like I found my soulmate, I feel like I waited my entire life for him, I feel like he's a gem.
Sounds cheesy eh? My conversations with him is 100000x more cheesier than this. Imagine that. Imagine me doing/saying stuff like that. Not me. So not me. And yet somehow, I enjoy doing it. It's so premature to say this. But I think I am falling in love.

Rough

Rough month
A rough 21st

Birthday month should be the happiest and it's my 21st, I thought it'd be a great one. It wasn't that bad. I spent 8 days in Bangkok, but I missed my flight on the the 7th day and I was hospitalized on my return and spent 5 days in the hospital. So that part was bad. It was a once in a lifetime experience thing though.

Right now, I am rather glad.
I met someone new and all we do is talk. I mean, we could really talk for hours and not feel out of topics, we could really connect in ways like I've been finding a person to bond like this in years. Right now, everything seems right and I do hope it stays this way. And it sort of let my heart down on someone else that I've been wanting to let go off for the longest time. Last year this time, I was really happy, I thought I met The One, but well, if you read, you know. Life goes on. So for now, I am just really hopeful about this ongoing friendship. I don't wanna jinx it but I really do want to write it down. I often look back at this page and read through my thoughts and think to myself, and I want to look back at this some time later, and remind myself that, I am at least happy now.

I am happy and I want to stay happy.

:)

I want to bend in a thousand directions
Like the sun does,
Like love does,
Like time stopped so the hands of the clock could hold each other.
And we held each other
Like I held these words for too many years on the tip of my tongue.

27

Gotta love me for me and
I am gonna love you for you

xoxo

You didn't

Not looking for much
Not seeking any
Not wanting else more

Just want a little this and that

My fingertips miss him so much

Someone please save me from my commitment issues

I went for a crystal fortune telling today and it was really random
The person told me that hardly anyone picks pink crystals
It's from a sack of hidden crystals she told me to choose just by touching

And I picked 6 out of 10.

Pink means love.

I must be thinking about love a lot.

I don’t want that much.

I don’t want that much. I’m not looking for someone to be committed forever, I’m not looking for that mind blowing, life changing kind of passionate madness of being so, so in love. That’s unreasonable to ask for, and it’s ridiculous to wait for. No, I want someone I like to be around though. I’d really like someone who will wake up next to me and drink coffee with me on the porch in the morning. I think that’s it. If we can kiss and drink coffee and just like each other with good conversations and no one feeling awkward and no one thinking longingly about going home…if I could be with someone, and if both of us really felt like we wanted to stay right where we were at least for a few minutes, I think that would be the best thing. Beautiful weather and coffee just help.

I am so sorry

I am sorry that I have blurred us, but I am most sorry that my fingers have had to fight off the urge to call you lover in this poem,

Sorry that I do not write poetry anymore unless it is with your ghost.
To my old friend whom I shall never address as anything else,

I am sorry that I fell in love with a version of you that I invented.
I am sorry that I will never again know you, me, or us.
I do not know, my friend, if I am sorry about what I let waste away.

As easy as that

The day before I left, I remembered a story her mother told me. She said: ‘Andrea, when Heather was a little girl, she couldn’t fall asleep without tying a string around her finger that stretched to mine in the other room. All night long she’d give that string the tiniest tug, to make sure I was still there, and I’d tug back. That was love. That was love. As easy as that.’

Sometimes.

Sometimes.

My Honest Poem

I have an odd fascination with things like sand castles and ice sculptures. I assume it’s because I usually find myself dedicating time to things that will only last a few moments.

I guess that’s why I fall in love with things that will never love me back.

Breakfast at Tiffany's

you call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, and you are terrified somebody's
gonna stick you in a cage. well baby, you are already in that cage, you built it yourself.
and it is not bounded on the west by Tulip, Texas, or on the east by Somaliland. it is
wherever you go. because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.

I wonder

A friend of yours asked me this yesterday

"Do you really love him a lot?"

I was confused. I used to be really sure about my answer towards this question.
And yesterday, a thousand thoughts flashed by my mind before I could reply.

I don't think I love him anymore. It's just maybe, the feelings were too serious and too deep, and not that easy to get over.

The idea of no longer loving you kinda scares me.
I ask myself if I am really over you.
If I am, is that a good or a bad thing?

If a girl cannot see a future with the guy she's seeing, that's a very sad thing and it'd probably end the relationship. And I don't see a future with him. A future with him is impossible. Even now, it's impossible.

A friend said, "If you can't accept his flaws, maybe you just don't love him enough, because every relationship could work as long as there is enough love."
I doubt so. No one could ever doubt my love for him, just look at the things I've done for him. I am not gonna to list and boast about it but people that knows, knows about it. The problems lies on him and I've never once blamed it on him because I know that's not his fault, that's just the way he is. We want different things in a relationship and we met each other at the wrong timings. There is no fate. Even how hard, or how many times we tried to make this work, it didn't. Not because there isn't enough love, even with the fact that right now, there isn't enough love in this for each other, but that's not the main problem. We are just two very different people.

My feelings towards him right now is more like, I want to push him down a cliff but then rush to the bottom and catch him. This isn't love.

Cheaters, Liars

Why lie?

I cannot exclaim how much I hate dishonesty.
I know the game, I know the rules.
I get how some things are meant to be lied to.

But I do not judge.
When I ask you something, it doesn't mean I don't already know the answer.
Often times, I already know the answer, I just want to see whether or not you've got the guts to own it up.

Admit it. And I will look at you in a different light. At least you earn my respect.

And things people lie to me, it's so obvious and easy for me to find out. Even at their last wit, they still want to lie. Seriously you don't say.

Asking a ex, you got any flings now?
I am not like any other typical little girl and be mad at you for saying.. "Yeah I am seeing someone else too."
It's okay to tell me! Okay maybe this is a little hard for most people to be honest but just admit it man...... you know I can find out about it if I really want to so why bother to lie? Just admit it will die is it? Same guy multiple times. Irony.

There are even guys that play the 'I love you', 'Be my girlfriend' card after talking for a few days.
What's their deal?
They seriously think girls these days are going to buy that? Tell that to a girl you met in a library maybe she will think omg this guy really loves me.
Why play that sort of card and turn into a big ass in the end?
It's not gonna last you very long and I am so sure that this isn't the wisest tactic in building a relationship with someone.

Honesty
Honesty
Honesty

So hard to find someone honest these days.

I wanna feel something

Just talked on the phone with my best friend for 5.5 hours and she always make me learn more about myself. Often times, she sees myself as a person, towards people, within myself more than myself.

Pros and cons. Pros I never thought one would ever see in me. And cons I already knew but just never thought that it was that bad.

She said when I am in love, I could really love, give in, and make sacrifices for one. In which she thinks I can do it better than her which surprised me as I always thought that she was the one that could make more sacrifices.

"Love harder, the next time, love again like you've never been hurt."
Believe in fate and believe in God for already setting someone for you, in the near future.
Well, I have to believe that. Else, what would I live for then?

Cruel.
Recently, I've done some stuff, little gestures and things to this someone I used to love..
I used to see him as The One... someone special I guess but when he talked to me, I was rather reluctant. I could never picture myself treating someone I thought was so special as harsh as I treated him. When I was with him, I sort of portrayed a image I want him to see in me. Cause no one would ever love the real me, and I wanted him to love me. But this time, I laid all cards on the table, I told him to be honest and don't player talk me. No longer that little girl that listened to him and do whatever he wants, I was just harsh to him. There are more into it that made my best friend think that she could never be this cruel to someone that special but I did it.

I have to believe in this in myself that if I could do this to someone I thought was special, I could do it in another.

My way of thinking towards relationship,
the first approach before it gets serious, I am very protective.
Protective towards myself. I can't afford to put myself out there and get hurt cause I've been hurt and I don't like that and I don't want that to happen again.
Often, I portrayed a image to boys that they don't have to try a lot to woo me and they don't have to be afraid that I'd get hurt cause I wouldn't be.
Of course I am not metal, I do get hurt, but I just try very hard not to allow myself to reach the stage where I am vulnerable.

"You have to love first before you'd be loved."
I am still gonna believe in this theory. The next time I'm in love, I'll still love harder than I ever did, and make sacrifices more than I've ever done, I just wish that he would know it and do the same.

hold me. i can't.

what should i do about the wild and the tame? the wild heart that wants to be free, and the tame heart that wants to come home. i want to be held. i don't want you to come too close. i want you to scoop me up and bring me home at nights. i don't want to tell you where i am. i want to keep a place among the rocks where no one can find me. i want to be with you.

.

I am so sad of being sad.

You

I want to write about you but I can't.

The more I think of how irrelevant people reads this, despite how I removed links from twitter/fb, it still doesn't change a thing.

And somehow, maybe you might read it. Maybe once in a while, maybe when you're bored.

I want to write about you but I can't.

Maybe I will just say one thing.
Long time ago, I told my best friend, "Sometimes I do wish he does something real nasty, intolerable to me, so that I can bear grudge and be determined to forget about him."

Well, it happened. You did it.
I just didn't expect it to hurt that much.

Crying for hours is nothing. Crying into the arms of someone that cares for you, that hurt and made me cry even harder.

But for now, I'll always remind myself of that night and never think of you. Thank you and fuck you for that.

Butterflies

Hearing his voice, I can feel caterpillars forming into butterflies in my stomach.
But it is wrong.


Japanese
Cute
Checked

Ahhhh..... shiawase.

I am sorry

Got this off Tumblr, credit below. I am gonna italic the ones I feel.

I’m sorry for crying all of the time.
I’m sorry that you got mad, and I tried to get mad, and instead I fell apart.
I’m sorry that it was all on you to walk away. I know I didn’t make it easy.
I am sorry that I called you a coward.
I am sorry that it is too late to tell you that I have always thought of you as being anything but.
I’m sorry for the scene in the waffle house,
and for kissing you every time you wanted to go.
You told me once that I was the one thing in the room you couldn’t take your eyes off of.
You told me once that you loved me, and that when you were sad, all you wanted was me.
I’m sorry that those things ever stopped being true.
I’m sorry that I still remember that you said them.

I’m sorry that I forgot each one of our flaws, our failings,
and the second you told me you were irreversibly gone,
I imagined a version of our history that was the stuff of the stars,
a love that made it impossible to inhale, exhale knowing that our skin would never touch again.

I know now that we never loved like this.
Oh, we loved, and there was so much happiness.
There was passion, and there was pain.
But it was the you that I could no longer have that I fell so profoundly in love with that I thought my veins would always be aching for a shared laugh or an intentional physical contact.
I inflated our best times, lost a grip on our worst.
Remember that I did this, when you wonder why I lost my mind when you left.
Remember that I was not remembering us and our lost battles,
but only the most fleeting moments.
I thought never of the fights, incompatibility, or anger.
Only of the songs, car rides, sunsets, cliche overbearing indescribable lung-clenching love that there is no word for, while forgetting that those moments were few, far between, and may have only existed for one of us.

I am sorry for how I acted.
I am sorry for inventing a you that was impossible to let go.
I am sorry that anything left you might have been keeping with you to look back on our relationship fondly with, I dismantled,
destroyed in the fire of my lost months.
I am sorry that you didn’t know what you were getting yourself into with me.
Sorry that you had to deal with the warring emotions of annoyance and guilt knowing that it wasn’t until almost a year later that I finally stopped crying about you nightly.

I want to apologize for wrecking what could have been the most beautiful thing, but then I must apologize for this; For I do not know if that potential was ever simmering in the breath between our kisses. I do not know if I wrecked something beautiful, or if I crashed a train that was already on fire, only to emerge with invented ideas about explosives in the heavens.
I am sorry that I have blurred us, but I am most sorry that my fingers have had to fight off the urge to call you lover in this poem,
Sorry that I do not write poetry anymore unless it is with your ghost.
To my old friend whom I shall never address as anything else,
I am sorry that I fell in love with a version of you that I invented.
I am sorry that I will never again know you, me, or us.
I do not know, my friend, if I am sorry about what I let waste away.

C

"That's Rina"

Sometimes it's not good to control what you're feeling
I guess it was too painful for me thus I chose to ignore it. Because I know it's gonna hurt thus the only way to face it is to avoid it.

But it's not good.
One day it is gonna hit you. And it is only gonna hit you even harder.
No matter what, you have to face it, deal with it,
and life goes on.

tu me manques

It's been too long since anyone told me they love me,
in the romance kind

It's been too long since I called someone mine
It's been too long since I love someone and someone loves me back

I miss being able to be myself with someone comfortably
I miss having someone there for me
I miss watching movies with the same person
I miss seeing something new and plan to do it with someone
I miss being held tightly and actually feel loved
I miss having someone to tell my happiness and sorrows to
I miss having a relationship with someone special

Don't assume
I am not pinpointing this to anyone,
I am just sick of being alone.

"It's like your every single relationship only tells you not to trust the next one."
hurts, this sentence hurts.

Often, I ask myself, "Do I ever deserve love?"

Times when I treat relationships as a form of companionship, I don't blame anyone. Coz I will not get what I don't give.

But times when I give it all, and only wish for love, I received none too.
Why?
I wonder why.

Where are you? Whoever you are, where are you?
"Best things in life are worth waiting for."
You must be really good. But where are you? Are you really far now? Are you even on your way?

I am sad.
I am just very sad.

Despite everything, I still wish for love.

Love love love
what is it for?
Absolute nothing..

But I still want love.

Things to achieve before I am 25

I hope I can achieve these before I turn 25!
4 more years!

1. Get my Bachelor Cert, which I probably will complete it by end of 2014.
2. Get a job that I enjoy and pays enough to make sure to provide for my family, I want my parents to retire and enjoy life and stress is on me since I am a only child.. But they don't really expect me to support them. All they ask for is me being able to take care of myself but that's not it, I still want them to enjoy life.
3. Get a decent boyfriend and plan for marriage, yes I do want to get married. I want to have kids too. I want 2. But I dislike kids. But I don't mind them. Irony. I want daughters though.
4. I hope by then, I will be able to love and trust people.
5. Close friends now, I hope they stay close till eternity... The important ones, Dion, Erica, Yvonne, Felicia, Kiat..
6. And I hope my health will be better! Gonna go for a body check up next month. Half of me wants to know what's wrong with me. Half of me sincerely hope there's nothing wrong. And I hope by 25, I will be with no problems and be healthy!
7. I hope I will be really rich. LOL. Ok this is about the same as getting a job. But of coz other than a stable job, I also hope I can strike 4D and be like rich instantly without working hard lol! Since I am not born with a silver spoon, I think I deserve to dream.
8. I hope I will be able to travel to wherever I like by then... or already been to places I want to!

ok I think that's all by now! is it very demanding? lol

Why you keep coming back

Beause you’re addicted. Because you know exactly what Edward meant when he called Bella his own “personal brand of heroin” and you’re ashamed to admit you feel that way. Because you’re like a moth to the flame with this person, because you know you’ll get hurt in the end and yet. Because a part of you knows better and another part doesn’t want to; because you’re not ready to all-the-way know better. Because this is a suicide leap but the way they make you feel makes it somehow worth it.

Because they speak your language. Because they understand you even when they don’t. Because on some deep, intrinsic level you just get each other. Because sometimes it seems like they know you better than you know yourself. Because they’ve seen the worst of you and the best; because, regardless of how they hurt you, you still feel an inexplicable trust.

Because you’re afraid. You’re afraid you’ll never be loved like that again; you’re afraid no one else will be in tune with you, your moods, the essence of who you are in this necessary specific way. Because you’re afraid you don’t have the capacity to love anyone like that again; afraid all your love energy is spent, afraid you’re incapable of ever emotionally getting it up for anyone else. Because you’ve never been so vulnerable with anyone else and the thought of even trying makes you feel hopeless and tired.

Because you think this time will be different, think that with all the naiveté of someone proposing marriage to their drug addicted mate hoping that’s the move that will cure them. “This time will be different” — you hear people say that and you roll your eyes so loud you wake up the neighbors but you do exactly the same thing; the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Because you think you can make this work if you try a little harder, if you just push a little more.

Because you believe in it, against your better judgment. Because you think it’s worth it; because you don’t stop to consider the very real possibility that the negatives outweigh the positives. Because you think you owe each other, your history, something still; because you feel inherently bonded and you don’t want to break it. Because you leave logic out of it; because after all, the heart wants what the heart wants and what can you do about that.

Because you live in the past, because you remember who you were once, who they were, and what you had; remember this and want to rewind. Because you think it’s possible to somehow recreate an idealized past in an unsure future. Because you’ve been holding onto the possibility of becoming a whole again for months, for years, safe and protected by the idea that no matter what happens, you’re not alone because of that faint background possibility of Us.

Because you think they’ll change, you’ll change, the circumstances will change; things will somehow mysteriously get better. Because you think this time around you’ll appreciate each other because you know what it’s like to be without. Because you have kids together. Because you have a dog together. Because you have amazing memories together. Because you have an “amor vincit omnia” tattoo. Because Hollywood or literature or God made you believe that love is enough. Because you don’t want to think about the possibility of a world in which it isn’t.

C

Random facts 101

• I always believe that in no matter what I do, no matter how stupid it is, I will always give it my best and try it one last shot, because only till then, I can admit to the truth and when I look back one day, I can say to myself, "Hey, at least I've tried my best."
  
  
• I am very superstitious, when someone say something bad, example, "If I die blah blah.." or even when I say it myself, I always make the person hit his/her own mouth first before completing the sentence..
  
  
• I hate to lie. I don't understand liars. I mean like to close ones. Cause I don't care about others. Lying is very tiring to me. Even the tiniest things. So I never lie. And I am really straight forward. And I don't give praises easily thus when a friend really want to know if she looks fat in a dress, they always trust me coz they know I'll never lie.
  
  
• Cheating is fine to me. Even when the person I'm dating does it to me. It's simple to me. If you wanna cheat, you make sure I don't find out. Bring it to your grave. Same applies to lying. Just make sure I don't find out and that's okay. Or even when I find out, it's okay. I believe that if one wants to cheat/play/have fun, it's okay. As long as they know how to play and how to withdraw. If you wanna play, then you make sure you don't get hurt and cry later on. If it makes you cry, then what's the fun about it?
  
  
• I play mind games a lot. But I never play it on close friends. It's simple. If I have to deal with outsiders with mind games, I wouldn't be bothered to use it on close ones, isn't that really tiring? People think that I play mind games then I would use it on everyone... but come on, I am only human, I will be tired too... And I don't use it on everything.. It's more like a natural reflex, especially to boys in that case.
  
  
• I am loud, rude, really straightforward, but with no bad intentions (if you know me well enough, you know). In which sometimes I do ask myself and my bff why would any guy like me? Coz I don't even like myself.
  
  
• But I can really sweet and romantic. I don't usually speak in the 'act cute' voice which most girls does it to their boyfriend.. But I do it to really close friends and maybe someone special. An ex that knew me for quite some time before we got together was really surprised when he heard that voice of mine lolzzzzz.
  
  
• I don't like to introduce guy-friends to my parents coz I don't want them to have the impression I'll be with this fellow for a long run, and then suddenly phew!..he's gone. And I think people shouldn't do that too, it's not good to disappoint your parents but unless your parents are really open minded and stuff then that's okay I guess.
  
  
• I am a Leo and thus pride is quite a important factor in my character. But I've also lost many things/people in life to make me realize that pride isn't really above all things. I believe in, "It's better to lose the fight than lose the person you love and not win a fight but lose the person forever." But if that person is some fucked up asshole, then I say screw him, pride is more important.
  
  
• I used to think that changing yourself for a person is worth it. But now that I've been through it, I think it's stupid. If that person really loves you, he/she should accept for who you are since when you met that person, you're already like that. If that person insist on you kicking away habits that he/she dislike, then he/she is not worth it. If he/she wants that ideal you so much, he/she should find someone that is already ideal for him/her and not try to change you into what he/she want.
  
  
• My last boyfriend was........ when I was 17. Haha. Long long ago right? 4 years ago. And although I don't really take relationships seriously, but honestly, I do want someone stable. Someone I can say it's my boyfriend. But for the past 4 years, it's either that person wants to be serious and I feel that he's not the right one.. or the other way round. Frustrating. I even met 2 stalkers in my life that I threatened to report to the police then they stopped. Stalkers as in.. not really stalk you in real life, follow your movement. More like they just keep calling/texting and bugging me even when I was really straightforward asking him to stop etc.
  
  
• I hate hate hate spending time with couples, especially super lovey dovey ones. I would look at the guy (coz normally the girl is my friend) and feel really envious. Not that he's a good catch or I am interested in him but just the fact that they're a couple and I am alone.
  
  
• Oh and I don't understand people that loves keeping people on the hook. If you don't like that person, just tell him/her! Why keep them on the hook if you're not interested? I will never do that cause I will never want that to happen to me. And plus my intuition is really strong, like a woman's instinct. So, when I feel that this relationship is going to a dead end, I would be really straight forward and just ask, "You lost feelings for me already right?" If the guy say so or give a answer near to that, I will cut strings immediately and if he really stops contacting me, I'd look up to him cause I like a clean cut.

I don't know if there are more facts about maybe I'll write again if I think of any..

Meddle

I remember all the things she did before
I remember all the times she cried
I remembered all the things you promised her, and no-one heard
I remember all the times you lied

Don't meddle with a heart
Meddle with a mind
Meddle with the things that are inside
You don't know what you'll find
You don't know what she hides
So don't go messing with a heart
Or messing with a mind
Or messing with the things that are inside
You don't know what you'll find
You don't know what she hides

She still remembers like it's yesterday
She still remembers you so well
She still remembers all the things you swore, forever more
She still remembers but won't tell

Cos she's a mixed up girl in a mixed up world
And you know she don't mean any harm
So please understand if you take her hand
You got much more than you bargained for

that person

whenever I feel sad
helpless
depressed
cold
whatever

I think about that one person
that loves me dearly more than anything
and always say the right words whenever I need to hear
and never allow anyone break my heart
and I feel better

though we don't talk on a daily basis
but there's a weird connection
like, that person will always be there for me all my life
and when I think about that person and I feel a tad bit better
like, actually........
there is someone out there that loves me dearly

and she's my best friend
nah
my friend?
nah
I don't know how to put a word to describe her

she is one that would introduce me to her girlfriend
and say, 'Rina is someone I care for too much, and never never never be jealous of her, never."
yes she is a lesbian
and I love her for that
my parents love her
despite her filled with tattoos
they still love her
and I love her

Yvonne Tay
when I am sad,
I think about you
and I always feel a lot better.

'that person'
who is yours?

“- i miss you. - I also miss you.”

for love
we shall

for this
we shall

for us
we shall

and all I ever wish for
we shall


love love love
what is it good for?
absolute nothing

Clean Slate

I hate how low profile this blog was and how so many random people that don't even know me or know the people I talk about view this thing.

So fuck off. And now it's a clean slate.