The second time

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to feel so relieved. When you get your heart broken for the first time, you can’t imagine loving someone else again or having someone else love you. You worry about your ex finding love before you do, you worry about being damaged goods. And then it happens. Someone else loves you and you can sleep well at night.

The second time you fall in love with someone, it’s going to feel different. The first time felt like a dream almost. You were untouched, untainted by anyone. You accepted love with wide open arms and desperation. “Love me, love me, love me!” So you did. And then it fell apart and left you shocked to the core. You realized that people could be cruel and break your heart. You realized that people could stop meaning the sweet things they said to you just yesterday. So when you go into it again, you’re going to keep in mind everything that you’ve learned. You’re going to say, “Love me, love me, love me…until you don’t. In which case, I would like some advance warning. Thanks!”

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to compare it to your first love. That’s okay. That’s natural. You’re going to be studying the new love with judgement and wariness. “My ex never liked broccoli. Why the hell does this one eat so much broccoli?!” Discovering that you have the ability to love multiple people who are different and feel different is initially very jarring. Loving an unfamiliar body will leave you disoriented and in dire need of a map. That’s okay too. That’s to be expected. Just ask the new love for directions.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to suffer from a bout of amnesia. You’re going to poke and prod at your lover’s body and be like, “Wait, how do I do this again? How do I love you? I think it starts with us having a moment together in some coffee shop, right?” It’s going to feel scary at first. Falling in love is sort of like riding a bike though. You never really forget.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’ll be a more sane person. Your first love is when you get all of your insanity out. You behave like an insane monster because your mind is freaking out about all these new powerful feelings. By the second time, however, you have an idea of what works and what doesn’t. It’s by no means perfect. The insanity will make a cameo at some point. “Peek a boo. I’m here! Hope you didn’t forget about me!” But you can usually shoo it away after awhile.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you will hopefully have better sex. Do not quote me on this.

The second time will not be the first time. The first time is an insane magical life gift that you can never reclaim. But that’s okay. The second time is more real anyway. The second time can involve some amazing love.

Do Not Fall In Love With People Like Me

Do not fall in love
With people like me.
people like me
will love you so hard
that you turn into stone
into a statue where people
come to marvel at how long
it must have taken to carve
that faraway look into your eyes

Do not fall in love with people like me
we will take you to
museums and parks
and monuments
and kiss you in every beautiful
place so that you can
never go back to them
without tasting us
like blood in your mouth

Do not come any closer.
people like me
are bombs
when our time is up
we will splatter loss
all over your walls
in angry colors
that make you wish
your doorway never
learned our name

do not fall in love
with people like me.
with the lonely ones
we will forget our own names
if it means learning yours
we will make you think
hurricanes are gentle
that pain is a gift
you will get lost
in the desperation
in the longing for something
that is always reaching
but never able to hold

do not fall in love
with people like me.
we will destroy your
apartment
we will throw apologies at you
that shatter on the floor
and cut your feet

we will never learn
how to be soft

we will leave.
we always do.

”

Go

You should stay as far away from me as possible. You should pack up your blue eyes and your cold, immobile heart and leave me in the middle of the night with no word on how to find you. Listen to your instincts, feel it in the wind, whatever. Look for the signs, each one is whispering to you a single word: Run! So go. Git. Ignore our similar histories and passions. Do not imagine the future I could slide into like water down your throat. Do not close your eyes and remember how we have quietly twisted together. Whatever you do, don’t remember the good. The good might lure you back to me. Instead, think only of your fears and call them convictions. Call yourself a wanderer. Tell yourself I will only tie you down. Repeat these excuses to your friends. Pretend not to hear how flimsy the words sound. Go explore, be alone, find yourself. Meet uncomplicated girls. Don’t learn their last names. Fuck them. You fear (and rightly so) what I will do to your life. I would challenge every thought, blur every line and insist on vivid detail and subtext. I would ask too much. I would be an upheaval, a time suck, the last thing you need in the tidy bohemian chaos of your story line. I am soft-bodied and warm blooded and entirely to conflicted and passionate to be any good to you. I would grab. I would insist. I would run my hands up your arm, put my mouth to your ear, and whisper “I love you.” Go. Please, without saying goodbye. And I wish you all the happiness in the world, I really do