The Ocean

I want someone that I can call the ocean. No fear that he will be gone when I look away. He will be there. He will always be there.

Where's my Ocean?

#1
Loved him. Fell for him during sweetsixteen and he didn't. Broke me. Cried terribly on my birthday after spending the entire day with him.
Reconciled 3 years later. He fell. I fell again. Broke me even harder. Someone I thought I'd never never cross pathways again in life crossed. Gave me hope. Destroyed me. And I literally handed him my heart on his hand and told him to go ahead and break it.
One that looked at me in the eye and tell me he likes me
One that hugged me tight enough to feel the inner warmth
One that was so near physically
but yet felt so so so far apart

#2
The biggest commitment.
One I toned down drinking, clubbing, social life for
One I sacrificed most for
One I cried most for
One that my parents and friends acknowledged
One that done me wrong the most
One that makes it so hard to love
they say, if you really love someone, love conquers all, you look pass his wrongs and live with him
And he, makes it so hard to love.
I look at him now and I just want to be friends. He makes it so hard to even befriend.

#3
Perfect.
No one is perfect. I don't know what is 10/10. But he is probably 9.
Our mind blends in together.
We share the same frequency.
We talk like there's like no tomorrow and he surprised me everyday with the fact that someone can be so alike as me
We had something so different.
It was nothing physical but all talk.
And first time in my life, words could mean so much.
I don't think I can ever find someone like him again..if I do, it will never be like him. I don't believe that you can find someone as alike as him in a lifetime. And humans can't help to make comparison. And there will always be a slight thing that makes me realize they're not the same.
I want that. I know I can never be with him. And that's just sad. Cause the reason is fucking distance. Isn't that sad?
I am logical but I don't wanna be
I understand but I don't wanna understand.
I would rather do long distance and have him.
The amazing bond I have with my best friend. Imagine that I found it in a male that I like. And we can't be together. What's with that?

i look up at the sky and the tiny blinking light of an airplane passing by tempts me to catch it between my fingers, but i've lost count and wishes don't come true, so i bury my hands in pocket of my hoodie and i miss you.

and i look at the stars that are the same ones you're looking at from hours away and remember how we used to look at them in each other's arms and i miss you. i feel the cold air on a clear fall day and i miss you. and i find myself reaching for your hand when i go to our places and i miss you. i worry that now i know happy and i won't get it back and i miss you. and i know you're never coming back and i need to let myself move on and i miss you.

i’ll unfurl the old and curl up with it into my sheets, wrap myself up in hollow surrender, breathe it into my pillowcase and play it on my guitar strings because i miss you.

i miss you missing me. we'll both move on soon, i'm sure, and there will be a different girl who proudly shoulders the label of best friend and i'll be here a thousand miles away kissing someone you'll never meet along the river walk on a thursday. and even though i'll move on and you'll move on, i still miss you.

sad isn't it

life taught me that being honest with your friends, your feelings, your surroundings,
is not gonna make people like you, and because of your damn character and flaws, people are gonna judge and pick on them, despite them being your closest, despite they should be the ones that are not gonna judge and just understand.

my intuition, and my analyzing skills on people, on things. I use them, a lot. but I tend to not use it on my own friends, cause it's tiring. it is really tiring if I can't even be myself with my own friends.

and the case here, is that a friend I know since high school, it feels like, she changed too much, into another person. I used to think that she has a really carefree, I-don't-care character. but it doesn't seems that way anymore. it's scarier when you know that she keep her silence because that's the smartest thing to do without being the bad person, but you will never know what she can say about a particular thing aftermath.

when you can't even be yourself with your own best friend
sad isn't it

Instant

“What is an "instant" death anyway? How long is an instant? Is it one second? Ten? The pain of those seconds must have been awful as her heart burst and her lungs collapsed and there was no air and no blood to her brain and only raw panic. What the hell is instant? Nothing is instant. Instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding an hour. I doubt that an instant of blinding pain feels particularly instantaneous.”

sometimes

Sometimes I wish for the littlest things
like, wanting to hear your voice again..
like, wanting to hear you say my name again.

and it's like
no.

I can’t love you

I can’t love you because I’m scared. Because I’ve been broken hearted and I know the pain of losing something I love all too well. I don’t have another heartbreak in me, and sometimes when I look at you I imagine myself as a younger girl and I know I would have ridden into the sunset with you, had you asked, even if you were entirely wrong for me. I can’t love you because I’m so tired of love; its commitments and risks. I can’t love you because I don’t know if you’re worth the commitment or the risk and I’m not willing to find out the hard way, although I sincerely hope that one day I will be. I can’t love you because I don’t want to, and sometimes I’m afraid that makes me a bad person.