i.
I don’t understand why
or where
or how
you’ve gone, but you have. There’s no
X marks the spot in the map in my soul;
I can’t find you. The GPS won’t work. I’m
a loss without you. Come back. I’m scared
and frightened and alone, stumbling down
alleys blind drunk
in the hope
I’ll bump
into you.
(but I know I won’t)
I can hope.
I don’t understand why
or where
or how
you’ve gone, but you have. There’s no
X marks the spot in the map in my soul;
I can’t find you. The GPS won’t work. I’m
a loss without you. Come back. I’m scared
and frightened and alone, stumbling down
alleys blind drunk
in the hope
I’ll bump
into you.
(but I know I won’t)
I can hope.
ii.
It’s hard not to miss you
when every atom
of every element
breathes your existence,
when every word
screams out and begs
to be fed
into your ears
again.
when every atom
of every element
breathes your existence,
when every word
screams out and begs
to be fed
into your ears
again.
iii.
I fucking hate you.
How
the
fuck
could
you
just
go
like
that
after
everything?
I fucking hate you.
How
the
fuck
could
you
just
go
like
that
after
everything?
I fucking hate you.
iv.
How can love and hate be so closely
linked together, like two best friends
hugging and laughing - laughing at
who? Me? You? Me. I hate you. I love
linked together, like two best friends
hugging and laughing - laughing at
who? Me? You? Me. I hate you. I love
you. They’re both the same thing; I
wish you were here so I could slap you,
or kiss you. But neither love nor hate
matter because you are not coming back.
wish you were here so I could slap you,
or kiss you. But neither love nor hate
matter because you are not coming back.
v.
A man who served me at Sainsbury’s today was wearing
your eyes. He must have thought I was mental - staring
at them like they didn’t exist. Oh, the surprise - you finally
your eyes. He must have thought I was mental - staring
at them like they didn’t exist. Oh, the surprise - you finally
decide to turn up, but scatter yourself in everyone - I see
your nose on a woman that looks like a man, I see your chin
in the spaces in between kisses of couples which doesn’t
your nose on a woman that looks like a man, I see your chin
in the spaces in between kisses of couples which doesn’t
make sense, but when did you ever? I don’t like seeing you
around here, everywhere. I was trying hard to forget but I
guess that you’re just not going to make it that easy for me.
around here, everywhere. I was trying hard to forget but I
guess that you’re just not going to make it that easy for me.
vi.
Craving, growling, empty soul
rumbling
like an oncoming storm
I need you
back
I am starving for you
to love me again
I can’t stop
loving you and I know
you’re the only one
who can end all this anorexic pain.
rumbling
like an oncoming storm
I need you
back
I am starving for you
to love me again
I can’t stop
loving you and I know
you’re the only one
who can end all this anorexic pain.
vii.
Drowning in
year old
depression, stale
as my heart,
growing mould
in the cold
moss of my
soul.
(thanks to you)
year old
depression, stale
as my heart,
growing mould
in the cold
moss of my
soul.
(thanks to you)
viii.
I fed myself a new person
today, an un-you real human;
stuffed myself until I was
today, an un-you real human;
stuffed myself until I was
blue in the face, bursting at
the seams of my chest, belly, -
like it was Christmas and they
the seams of my chest, belly, -
like it was Christmas and they
were overcooked turkey. Then,
after, I ran to bathroom, stuck
my fingers down my throat and
after, I ran to bathroom, stuck
my fingers down my throat and
purged myself. Threw them up
into the sink as a mess. I guess I’d
sort of hoped you’d come out as well
into the sink as a mess. I guess I’d
sort of hoped you’d come out as well
but you didn’t. You’d glued yourself
to my chest like a limpet, scarred
yourself into my head. Get out.
to my chest like a limpet, scarred
yourself into my head. Get out.
ix.
If I write
about you
anymore
about you
anymore
I think
I might
I might
go even more insane,
but I can’t shake
your face
from my mind
from my heart
but I can’t shake
your face
from my mind
from my heart
and I know I can’t
and shan’t ever
be able to do so.
(no matter how much I want to)
and shan’t ever
be able to do so.
(no matter how much I want to)
x.
I don’t understand why
or where
or how
you went, but you have. There’s no
X marks the spot in the map in my soul;
I can’t find you. The GPS won’t work. But
I think I just might be okay without you.
Although,
that doesn’t stop me
stumbling down
alleys blind drunk
in the hope
I might
(just might)
bump
into you.
(but I know I won’t)
I can hope.
or where
or how
you went, but you have. There’s no
X marks the spot in the map in my soul;
I can’t find you. The GPS won’t work. But
I think I just might be okay without you.
Although,
that doesn’t stop me
stumbling down
alleys blind drunk
in the hope
I might
(just might)
bump
into you.
(but I know I won’t)
I can hope.
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