Butterflies

Hearing his voice, I can feel caterpillars forming into butterflies in my stomach.
But it is wrong.


Japanese
Cute
Checked

Ahhhh..... shiawase.

I am sorry

Got this off Tumblr, credit below. I am gonna italic the ones I feel.

I’m sorry for crying all of the time.
I’m sorry that you got mad, and I tried to get mad, and instead I fell apart.
I’m sorry that it was all on you to walk away. I know I didn’t make it easy.
I am sorry that I called you a coward.
I am sorry that it is too late to tell you that I have always thought of you as being anything but.
I’m sorry for the scene in the waffle house,
and for kissing you every time you wanted to go.
You told me once that I was the one thing in the room you couldn’t take your eyes off of.
You told me once that you loved me, and that when you were sad, all you wanted was me.
I’m sorry that those things ever stopped being true.
I’m sorry that I still remember that you said them.

I’m sorry that I forgot each one of our flaws, our failings,
and the second you told me you were irreversibly gone,
I imagined a version of our history that was the stuff of the stars,
a love that made it impossible to inhale, exhale knowing that our skin would never touch again.

I know now that we never loved like this.
Oh, we loved, and there was so much happiness.
There was passion, and there was pain.
But it was the you that I could no longer have that I fell so profoundly in love with that I thought my veins would always be aching for a shared laugh or an intentional physical contact.
I inflated our best times, lost a grip on our worst.
Remember that I did this, when you wonder why I lost my mind when you left.
Remember that I was not remembering us and our lost battles,
but only the most fleeting moments.
I thought never of the fights, incompatibility, or anger.
Only of the songs, car rides, sunsets, cliche overbearing indescribable lung-clenching love that there is no word for, while forgetting that those moments were few, far between, and may have only existed for one of us.

I am sorry for how I acted.
I am sorry for inventing a you that was impossible to let go.
I am sorry that anything left you might have been keeping with you to look back on our relationship fondly with, I dismantled,
destroyed in the fire of my lost months.
I am sorry that you didn’t know what you were getting yourself into with me.
Sorry that you had to deal with the warring emotions of annoyance and guilt knowing that it wasn’t until almost a year later that I finally stopped crying about you nightly.

I want to apologize for wrecking what could have been the most beautiful thing, but then I must apologize for this; For I do not know if that potential was ever simmering in the breath between our kisses. I do not know if I wrecked something beautiful, or if I crashed a train that was already on fire, only to emerge with invented ideas about explosives in the heavens.
I am sorry that I have blurred us, but I am most sorry that my fingers have had to fight off the urge to call you lover in this poem,
Sorry that I do not write poetry anymore unless it is with your ghost.
To my old friend whom I shall never address as anything else,
I am sorry that I fell in love with a version of you that I invented.
I am sorry that I will never again know you, me, or us.
I do not know, my friend, if I am sorry about what I let waste away.

C

"That's Rina"

Sometimes it's not good to control what you're feeling
I guess it was too painful for me thus I chose to ignore it. Because I know it's gonna hurt thus the only way to face it is to avoid it.

But it's not good.
One day it is gonna hit you. And it is only gonna hit you even harder.
No matter what, you have to face it, deal with it,
and life goes on.

tu me manques

It's been too long since anyone told me they love me,
in the romance kind

It's been too long since I called someone mine
It's been too long since I love someone and someone loves me back

I miss being able to be myself with someone comfortably
I miss having someone there for me
I miss watching movies with the same person
I miss seeing something new and plan to do it with someone
I miss being held tightly and actually feel loved
I miss having someone to tell my happiness and sorrows to
I miss having a relationship with someone special

Don't assume
I am not pinpointing this to anyone,
I am just sick of being alone.

"It's like your every single relationship only tells you not to trust the next one."
hurts, this sentence hurts.

Often, I ask myself, "Do I ever deserve love?"

Times when I treat relationships as a form of companionship, I don't blame anyone. Coz I will not get what I don't give.

But times when I give it all, and only wish for love, I received none too.
Why?
I wonder why.

Where are you? Whoever you are, where are you?
"Best things in life are worth waiting for."
You must be really good. But where are you? Are you really far now? Are you even on your way?

I am sad.
I am just very sad.

Despite everything, I still wish for love.

Love love love
what is it for?
Absolute nothing..

But I still want love.

Things to achieve before I am 25

I hope I can achieve these before I turn 25!
4 more years!

1. Get my Bachelor Cert, which I probably will complete it by end of 2014.
2. Get a job that I enjoy and pays enough to make sure to provide for my family, I want my parents to retire and enjoy life and stress is on me since I am a only child.. But they don't really expect me to support them. All they ask for is me being able to take care of myself but that's not it, I still want them to enjoy life.
3. Get a decent boyfriend and plan for marriage, yes I do want to get married. I want to have kids too. I want 2. But I dislike kids. But I don't mind them. Irony. I want daughters though.
4. I hope by then, I will be able to love and trust people.
5. Close friends now, I hope they stay close till eternity... The important ones, Dion, Erica, Yvonne, Felicia, Kiat..
6. And I hope my health will be better! Gonna go for a body check up next month. Half of me wants to know what's wrong with me. Half of me sincerely hope there's nothing wrong. And I hope by 25, I will be with no problems and be healthy!
7. I hope I will be really rich. LOL. Ok this is about the same as getting a job. But of coz other than a stable job, I also hope I can strike 4D and be like rich instantly without working hard lol! Since I am not born with a silver spoon, I think I deserve to dream.
8. I hope I will be able to travel to wherever I like by then... or already been to places I want to!

ok I think that's all by now! is it very demanding? lol

Why you keep coming back

Beause you’re addicted. Because you know exactly what Edward meant when he called Bella his own “personal brand of heroin” and you’re ashamed to admit you feel that way. Because you’re like a moth to the flame with this person, because you know you’ll get hurt in the end and yet. Because a part of you knows better and another part doesn’t want to; because you’re not ready to all-the-way know better. Because this is a suicide leap but the way they make you feel makes it somehow worth it.

Because they speak your language. Because they understand you even when they don’t. Because on some deep, intrinsic level you just get each other. Because sometimes it seems like they know you better than you know yourself. Because they’ve seen the worst of you and the best; because, regardless of how they hurt you, you still feel an inexplicable trust.

Because you’re afraid. You’re afraid you’ll never be loved like that again; you’re afraid no one else will be in tune with you, your moods, the essence of who you are in this necessary specific way. Because you’re afraid you don’t have the capacity to love anyone like that again; afraid all your love energy is spent, afraid you’re incapable of ever emotionally getting it up for anyone else. Because you’ve never been so vulnerable with anyone else and the thought of even trying makes you feel hopeless and tired.

Because you think this time will be different, think that with all the naiveté of someone proposing marriage to their drug addicted mate hoping that’s the move that will cure them. “This time will be different” — you hear people say that and you roll your eyes so loud you wake up the neighbors but you do exactly the same thing; the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Because you think you can make this work if you try a little harder, if you just push a little more.

Because you believe in it, against your better judgment. Because you think it’s worth it; because you don’t stop to consider the very real possibility that the negatives outweigh the positives. Because you think you owe each other, your history, something still; because you feel inherently bonded and you don’t want to break it. Because you leave logic out of it; because after all, the heart wants what the heart wants and what can you do about that.

Because you live in the past, because you remember who you were once, who they were, and what you had; remember this and want to rewind. Because you think it’s possible to somehow recreate an idealized past in an unsure future. Because you’ve been holding onto the possibility of becoming a whole again for months, for years, safe and protected by the idea that no matter what happens, you’re not alone because of that faint background possibility of Us.

Because you think they’ll change, you’ll change, the circumstances will change; things will somehow mysteriously get better. Because you think this time around you’ll appreciate each other because you know what it’s like to be without. Because you have kids together. Because you have a dog together. Because you have amazing memories together. Because you have an “amor vincit omnia” tattoo. Because Hollywood or literature or God made you believe that love is enough. Because you don’t want to think about the possibility of a world in which it isn’t.

C

Random facts 101

• I always believe that in no matter what I do, no matter how stupid it is, I will always give it my best and try it one last shot, because only till then, I can admit to the truth and when I look back one day, I can say to myself, "Hey, at least I've tried my best."
  
  
• I am very superstitious, when someone say something bad, example, "If I die blah blah.." or even when I say it myself, I always make the person hit his/her own mouth first before completing the sentence..
  
  
• I hate to lie. I don't understand liars. I mean like to close ones. Cause I don't care about others. Lying is very tiring to me. Even the tiniest things. So I never lie. And I am really straight forward. And I don't give praises easily thus when a friend really want to know if she looks fat in a dress, they always trust me coz they know I'll never lie.
  
  
• Cheating is fine to me. Even when the person I'm dating does it to me. It's simple to me. If you wanna cheat, you make sure I don't find out. Bring it to your grave. Same applies to lying. Just make sure I don't find out and that's okay. Or even when I find out, it's okay. I believe that if one wants to cheat/play/have fun, it's okay. As long as they know how to play and how to withdraw. If you wanna play, then you make sure you don't get hurt and cry later on. If it makes you cry, then what's the fun about it?
  
  
• I play mind games a lot. But I never play it on close friends. It's simple. If I have to deal with outsiders with mind games, I wouldn't be bothered to use it on close ones, isn't that really tiring? People think that I play mind games then I would use it on everyone... but come on, I am only human, I will be tired too... And I don't use it on everything.. It's more like a natural reflex, especially to boys in that case.
  
  
• I am loud, rude, really straightforward, but with no bad intentions (if you know me well enough, you know). In which sometimes I do ask myself and my bff why would any guy like me? Coz I don't even like myself.
  
  
• But I can really sweet and romantic. I don't usually speak in the 'act cute' voice which most girls does it to their boyfriend.. But I do it to really close friends and maybe someone special. An ex that knew me for quite some time before we got together was really surprised when he heard that voice of mine lolzzzzz.
  
  
• I don't like to introduce guy-friends to my parents coz I don't want them to have the impression I'll be with this fellow for a long run, and then suddenly phew!..he's gone. And I think people shouldn't do that too, it's not good to disappoint your parents but unless your parents are really open minded and stuff then that's okay I guess.
  
  
• I am a Leo and thus pride is quite a important factor in my character. But I've also lost many things/people in life to make me realize that pride isn't really above all things. I believe in, "It's better to lose the fight than lose the person you love and not win a fight but lose the person forever." But if that person is some fucked up asshole, then I say screw him, pride is more important.
  
  
• I used to think that changing yourself for a person is worth it. But now that I've been through it, I think it's stupid. If that person really loves you, he/she should accept for who you are since when you met that person, you're already like that. If that person insist on you kicking away habits that he/she dislike, then he/she is not worth it. If he/she wants that ideal you so much, he/she should find someone that is already ideal for him/her and not try to change you into what he/she want.
  
  
• My last boyfriend was........ when I was 17. Haha. Long long ago right? 4 years ago. And although I don't really take relationships seriously, but honestly, I do want someone stable. Someone I can say it's my boyfriend. But for the past 4 years, it's either that person wants to be serious and I feel that he's not the right one.. or the other way round. Frustrating. I even met 2 stalkers in my life that I threatened to report to the police then they stopped. Stalkers as in.. not really stalk you in real life, follow your movement. More like they just keep calling/texting and bugging me even when I was really straightforward asking him to stop etc.
  
  
• I hate hate hate spending time with couples, especially super lovey dovey ones. I would look at the guy (coz normally the girl is my friend) and feel really envious. Not that he's a good catch or I am interested in him but just the fact that they're a couple and I am alone.
  
  
• Oh and I don't understand people that loves keeping people on the hook. If you don't like that person, just tell him/her! Why keep them on the hook if you're not interested? I will never do that cause I will never want that to happen to me. And plus my intuition is really strong, like a woman's instinct. So, when I feel that this relationship is going to a dead end, I would be really straight forward and just ask, "You lost feelings for me already right?" If the guy say so or give a answer near to that, I will cut strings immediately and if he really stops contacting me, I'd look up to him cause I like a clean cut.

I don't know if there are more facts about maybe I'll write again if I think of any..

Meddle

I remember all the things she did before
I remember all the times she cried
I remembered all the things you promised her, and no-one heard
I remember all the times you lied

Don't meddle with a heart
Meddle with a mind
Meddle with the things that are inside
You don't know what you'll find
You don't know what she hides
So don't go messing with a heart
Or messing with a mind
Or messing with the things that are inside
You don't know what you'll find
You don't know what she hides

She still remembers like it's yesterday
She still remembers you so well
She still remembers all the things you swore, forever more
She still remembers but won't tell

Cos she's a mixed up girl in a mixed up world
And you know she don't mean any harm
So please understand if you take her hand
You got much more than you bargained for

that person

whenever I feel sad
helpless
depressed
cold
whatever

I think about that one person
that loves me dearly more than anything
and always say the right words whenever I need to hear
and never allow anyone break my heart
and I feel better

though we don't talk on a daily basis
but there's a weird connection
like, that person will always be there for me all my life
and when I think about that person and I feel a tad bit better
like, actually........
there is someone out there that loves me dearly

and she's my best friend
nah
my friend?
nah
I don't know how to put a word to describe her

she is one that would introduce me to her girlfriend
and say, 'Rina is someone I care for too much, and never never never be jealous of her, never."
yes she is a lesbian
and I love her for that
my parents love her
despite her filled with tattoos
they still love her
and I love her

Yvonne Tay
when I am sad,
I think about you
and I always feel a lot better.

'that person'
who is yours?

“- i miss you. - I also miss you.”

for love
we shall

for this
we shall

for us
we shall

and all I ever wish for
we shall


love love love
what is it good for?
absolute nothing

Clean Slate

I hate how low profile this blog was and how so many random people that don't even know me or know the people I talk about view this thing.

So fuck off. And now it's a clean slate.