Breakfast at Tiffany's

you call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, and you are terrified somebody's
gonna stick you in a cage. well baby, you are already in that cage, you built it yourself.
and it is not bounded on the west by Tulip, Texas, or on the east by Somaliland. it is
wherever you go. because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.

I wonder

A friend of yours asked me this yesterday

"Do you really love him a lot?"

I was confused. I used to be really sure about my answer towards this question.
And yesterday, a thousand thoughts flashed by my mind before I could reply.

I don't think I love him anymore. It's just maybe, the feelings were too serious and too deep, and not that easy to get over.

The idea of no longer loving you kinda scares me.
I ask myself if I am really over you.
If I am, is that a good or a bad thing?

If a girl cannot see a future with the guy she's seeing, that's a very sad thing and it'd probably end the relationship. And I don't see a future with him. A future with him is impossible. Even now, it's impossible.

A friend said, "If you can't accept his flaws, maybe you just don't love him enough, because every relationship could work as long as there is enough love."
I doubt so. No one could ever doubt my love for him, just look at the things I've done for him. I am not gonna to list and boast about it but people that knows, knows about it. The problems lies on him and I've never once blamed it on him because I know that's not his fault, that's just the way he is. We want different things in a relationship and we met each other at the wrong timings. There is no fate. Even how hard, or how many times we tried to make this work, it didn't. Not because there isn't enough love, even with the fact that right now, there isn't enough love in this for each other, but that's not the main problem. We are just two very different people.

My feelings towards him right now is more like, I want to push him down a cliff but then rush to the bottom and catch him. This isn't love.

Cheaters, Liars

Why lie?

I cannot exclaim how much I hate dishonesty.
I know the game, I know the rules.
I get how some things are meant to be lied to.

But I do not judge.
When I ask you something, it doesn't mean I don't already know the answer.
Often times, I already know the answer, I just want to see whether or not you've got the guts to own it up.

Admit it. And I will look at you in a different light. At least you earn my respect.

And things people lie to me, it's so obvious and easy for me to find out. Even at their last wit, they still want to lie. Seriously you don't say.

Asking a ex, you got any flings now?
I am not like any other typical little girl and be mad at you for saying.. "Yeah I am seeing someone else too."
It's okay to tell me! Okay maybe this is a little hard for most people to be honest but just admit it man...... you know I can find out about it if I really want to so why bother to lie? Just admit it will die is it? Same guy multiple times. Irony.

There are even guys that play the 'I love you', 'Be my girlfriend' card after talking for a few days.
What's their deal?
They seriously think girls these days are going to buy that? Tell that to a girl you met in a library maybe she will think omg this guy really loves me.
Why play that sort of card and turn into a big ass in the end?
It's not gonna last you very long and I am so sure that this isn't the wisest tactic in building a relationship with someone.

Honesty
Honesty
Honesty

So hard to find someone honest these days.

I wanna feel something

Just talked on the phone with my best friend for 5.5 hours and she always make me learn more about myself. Often times, she sees myself as a person, towards people, within myself more than myself.

Pros and cons. Pros I never thought one would ever see in me. And cons I already knew but just never thought that it was that bad.

She said when I am in love, I could really love, give in, and make sacrifices for one. In which she thinks I can do it better than her which surprised me as I always thought that she was the one that could make more sacrifices.

"Love harder, the next time, love again like you've never been hurt."
Believe in fate and believe in God for already setting someone for you, in the near future.
Well, I have to believe that. Else, what would I live for then?

Cruel.
Recently, I've done some stuff, little gestures and things to this someone I used to love..
I used to see him as The One... someone special I guess but when he talked to me, I was rather reluctant. I could never picture myself treating someone I thought was so special as harsh as I treated him. When I was with him, I sort of portrayed a image I want him to see in me. Cause no one would ever love the real me, and I wanted him to love me. But this time, I laid all cards on the table, I told him to be honest and don't player talk me. No longer that little girl that listened to him and do whatever he wants, I was just harsh to him. There are more into it that made my best friend think that she could never be this cruel to someone that special but I did it.

I have to believe in this in myself that if I could do this to someone I thought was special, I could do it in another.

My way of thinking towards relationship,
the first approach before it gets serious, I am very protective.
Protective towards myself. I can't afford to put myself out there and get hurt cause I've been hurt and I don't like that and I don't want that to happen again.
Often, I portrayed a image to boys that they don't have to try a lot to woo me and they don't have to be afraid that I'd get hurt cause I wouldn't be.
Of course I am not metal, I do get hurt, but I just try very hard not to allow myself to reach the stage where I am vulnerable.

"You have to love first before you'd be loved."
I am still gonna believe in this theory. The next time I'm in love, I'll still love harder than I ever did, and make sacrifices more than I've ever done, I just wish that he would know it and do the same.

hold me. i can't.

what should i do about the wild and the tame? the wild heart that wants to be free, and the tame heart that wants to come home. i want to be held. i don't want you to come too close. i want you to scoop me up and bring me home at nights. i don't want to tell you where i am. i want to keep a place among the rocks where no one can find me. i want to be with you.

.

I am so sad of being sad.

You

I want to write about you but I can't.

The more I think of how irrelevant people reads this, despite how I removed links from twitter/fb, it still doesn't change a thing.

And somehow, maybe you might read it. Maybe once in a while, maybe when you're bored.

I want to write about you but I can't.

Maybe I will just say one thing.
Long time ago, I told my best friend, "Sometimes I do wish he does something real nasty, intolerable to me, so that I can bear grudge and be determined to forget about him."

Well, it happened. You did it.
I just didn't expect it to hurt that much.

Crying for hours is nothing. Crying into the arms of someone that cares for you, that hurt and made me cry even harder.

But for now, I'll always remind myself of that night and never think of you. Thank you and fuck you for that.