I wanna feel something

Just talked on the phone with my best friend for 5.5 hours and she always make me learn more about myself. Often times, she sees myself as a person, towards people, within myself more than myself.

Pros and cons. Pros I never thought one would ever see in me. And cons I already knew but just never thought that it was that bad.

She said when I am in love, I could really love, give in, and make sacrifices for one. In which she thinks I can do it better than her which surprised me as I always thought that she was the one that could make more sacrifices.

"Love harder, the next time, love again like you've never been hurt."
Believe in fate and believe in God for already setting someone for you, in the near future.
Well, I have to believe that. Else, what would I live for then?

Cruel.
Recently, I've done some stuff, little gestures and things to this someone I used to love..
I used to see him as The One... someone special I guess but when he talked to me, I was rather reluctant. I could never picture myself treating someone I thought was so special as harsh as I treated him. When I was with him, I sort of portrayed a image I want him to see in me. Cause no one would ever love the real me, and I wanted him to love me. But this time, I laid all cards on the table, I told him to be honest and don't player talk me. No longer that little girl that listened to him and do whatever he wants, I was just harsh to him. There are more into it that made my best friend think that she could never be this cruel to someone that special but I did it.

I have to believe in this in myself that if I could do this to someone I thought was special, I could do it in another.

My way of thinking towards relationship,
the first approach before it gets serious, I am very protective.
Protective towards myself. I can't afford to put myself out there and get hurt cause I've been hurt and I don't like that and I don't want that to happen again.
Often, I portrayed a image to boys that they don't have to try a lot to woo me and they don't have to be afraid that I'd get hurt cause I wouldn't be.
Of course I am not metal, I do get hurt, but I just try very hard not to allow myself to reach the stage where I am vulnerable.

"You have to love first before you'd be loved."
I am still gonna believe in this theory. The next time I'm in love, I'll still love harder than I ever did, and make sacrifices more than I've ever done, I just wish that he would know it and do the same.